Thursday, May 31, 2007
Posted by Deb at 1:33 AM
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
It is 4 30 am in Guatemala City - which is 6 30 am back home. So I am wide awake. We survived the trip in one piece, all the luggage arrived-although wet and dirty.
We were delayed going into Houston, we were actaully diverted toLaFayette LA for about 1.5 hours. So that at least prevented us from sitting at the Houston airport for 6 hours. When we arrived in Guatemala City, I was told to call the in country coordinators to let them know we had arrrived- I think they were sleeping- note to Holly and FTIA, perhaps the instructions should be "if you arrive after 9 pm, call the incoutnry coordinators first thing in the morning". But at least I got the news that the Little Bug will not be brought to the hotel until 11 am- 2 hours after I expected it, 1 hour after I was told by Holly at FTIA. Mom and I are going to go shopping this morning after she wakes up and we have the wonderful breakfest buffet.
I guess I am feeling sad for myself right now- we made it here on time, I at least figured the Little Bug would be here on time. I am just ready to start the next part of the journey.
I should probably go get some more sleep- it is going to be a long day.
For those coming down soon- the baby lounge smells of dampness- I will be posting now from the business center- this room is bugging my allergies and I have only been in here long enough to read some eamils and post this note.
The airport construction is moving along- there is a new baggage clain carosuel that was not operational when I was here in December. The pool is open here at the Marriott and so are all the resturants.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 6:40 AM
Sunday, May 27, 2007
All is done, all the floors scrubbed and mopped, all the bathrooms clean, last minute items packed in the bags, suitcases piled by the door. I am ready, so ready to wake up and go to the airport. I am so looking forward to the next part of the journey- "this is the great adventure".
We celebrated my nephew's 15th birthday today. He is such a great kid- just a neat individual, I can not wait to see the man that he grows into. He loves his drumming, his goal in life, last time I talked to him about it, is to be a punk rock drummer- he fits the description. He is a joy and wonderful young man and I forget to tell him that more often. So Jas- YOU GO!!! Be an individual, set your own course- but remember, you are not going to get anywhere without schooling. Study hard, good luck on your exams. Love to you.
To S.- we have not talked all week, I have tried to call you, but the phone just rings. So let me take this opportunity to wish you congratulations on graduation from Middle School. Good luck at the concert this Wednesday night- I will be thinking about you. You are a wonderful young lady and I am excited to watch you grow into a successful young woman. Much love to you.
I am off to call the Little Bug's foster family. Please keep them in your prayers. I am sure their hearts are breaking and I need to be aware of my words and actions so that I do not add to their grief at saying good bye (for now) to the Little Bug. I told them on my first visit trip that we would never say good-bye- only Aloha- which is Hawaiian for hello and good bye. So we never say good bye- just Aloha- until we meet again.
Next post will be from Guatemala-
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 8:39 PM
Saturday, May 26, 2007
I am as ready as I think I can be, although I still have not cleaned the bathrooms. I will have to ask my mom if I liked to clean the bathrooms when I was little. Maybe there is a trauma lurking back there that is causing me to avoid cleaning them?
I have finished packing- reorganizing the packing is really more like it. I put the stroller together. I found it interesting that the only tool needed to put together the stroller was a hammer. It certainly was not what I would have thought. I have to mention, this is the stroller that my choir squad gave me at my shower 02Jun2006- yes, you read that correctly, nearly a year ago, I had a shower- actually I had 2 that weekend.
Note to those of you starting the process- say no to showers until you are in PGN and even then wait until you are out of PGN- that is is my advice for the night.
My friend E. and her family were here today- they brought be some prepared meals for the freezer and some clothes for the little Bug. I especially like the jammies that E's. daughter Little E. picked out. The top has a jar with bugs in it and the bottoms are covered with bugs. I think the Little Bug is going to love it- I know that I do. I can't wait to take a a picture of him in them. E. told me that I seemed very "flat"- as in not as excited. I think I am still so overwhelmed with things to get done, worrying about my leave and worrying about how the Little Bug will react that I am not allowing myself to be excited or to feel the emotions of the moment (OK, I would likely be in tears). I am sure that I will be excited, happy, joyful and overwhelmed when I finally wake up on Tuesday morning and know that the Little Bug is on the way to the hotel. If you see us at the hotel- just back away from the pacing Momma Bug- I will probably not remember a thing about that morning- everything will start with Little Bug coming through the door.
Much love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 11:23 PM
Friday, May 25, 2007
Well, thanks to a wonderful friend, Tiffany, who came over and folded socks while I put away laundry and then talked to me while I packed, all my bags are packed and ready to go!!! There are few things that need to be packed in Grandma's suitcase. But all in all, I am feeling much less stressed about being ready.
I would also like to thank my friend Lisa for coming over and helping me reinstall Little Bug's car seat- THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!
Now the final cleaning of my room- there are dust bunnies living under my bed and breeding big time!! Finally cleaning in the bathrooms- that is correct, I never made it to them last night. I think the house is ready for one precious gift from God to be here. I can not wait to hold him and to know that it is forever. I am sure I will bawling like a baby, the happiness of being with him, the sadness of him leaving his only family, the joy in being a family, the knowledge that my gain is someone else's loss. I will be a emotional wreck on Tuesday.
And last but certainly not least tonight- my prayers are with Bua as she travels home to her mother. Bua has been living with the Mackenzie Crew 9see blogs listed on the side) and she was due to come here for a week as she was planning on coming to Cincinnati for schooling later this year or early next year. Her mother was injured severely in a car accident and is in a coma. My thoughts and prayer are with Bua and her family at this time. Please, please, pray for God's might healing hand to be in this situation, pray for Bua as she travels back home to a situation that is overwhelming. Please pray that God's will is evident in all that needs to be done and decided and that Bua is strengthen through the prayers lifted up for her and her mother.
I bring Bua and her mother before you, you the creator, the healer, the great Physician. I ask that your healing hand be on Bua's mother and that she is brought back to her family and friends. I pray that your comfort and grace are with Bua as she travels home to be with her mothr. May your arms give her strength, may your grace be sufficient, may you comfort her through the thoughts and prayers being lifted up for her and her mother. Lord God, thank you for the opportunity to come before you, thank you for the days that you give us, the love that sustains us through the good times and bad. Thank you for loving us each day right where we are.
AKA Bua's Ohio Family
Posted by Deb at 8:16 PM
Thursday, May 24, 2007
So, the trim is painted, the wall is sponge painted, the curtains are hung by the French doors with care,
the bags are unpacked, the clothes not folded, Yes, I am behind.
Work is all organized, I think, grass cutting is set up - thanks favorite nephew. Mail is stopped for the week I am gone. But still my bags are not packed and laundry is all over my room. I am feeling the stress. I was in tears this afternoon/evening. I am overwhelmed- maybe its hormonal, I am becoming a momma you know?
I need more sleep- I am waking up every 2-3 hours, making more lists in my head of things that I have to get done. This has got to stop, I will be exhausted before I even get to Guatemala. I have to get this all done before the Little Bug comes home, because:
1. I don't want him breathing paint fumes
2. Do you really think I will have free time to paint with a toddler in the house?
3. Because I want it perfect for him to come home to
You might ask why I did not get some of these things done month ago- painting for example. Well, let's just say that adoption is not for the faint of heart, it not an easy option and I am so thankful for the pharmaceutical industry and the wonderful medicines that are developed, tested, and brought to market each year. Without them, I can not tell you how I would have made it through the last 8 months. I am forever grateful to my doctor who understood that I was not going to make it through this process without a break and an opportunity to regain my emotional balance. I am grateful for friends and family who prayed and supported me, who sat and held me while I cried, who listened to me on the phone while I cried. I am grateful for my job and the company that allows me to work from home- no one had to see my cry or try to hold it all in.
Well, the bathroom floors are calling me to scrub them- yes, on my hands and knees scrubbing, because that was how my momma taught me to scrub floors. So I am signing off.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 9:35 PM
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Less than one week- the countdown is in full swing.
So what am I doing- painting trim. Yes, that is correct, I am painting the trim on my french doors that go out into the backyard. The doors were installed last year and I never got around to paining the trim. I figured I would have time and suddenly I have run out of time. So painting the trim tonight and then spoonge paint the wall tomorrow night.
Maybe I will get my suitcase packed, but I am pushing it down to the wire. For months and months, I lived with the thought that as soon as I got the call that the file wasout of PGN, I would pack my bags and be ready to go. But life got in the way of that plan. Maybe I will pack the suitcase on Friday or Saturday? Maybe Friday is best, that way I can delete items that I don't really need- heck I can wear the same outfit for a few days- the trip is really all about the Little Bug. His suitcase, by the way, is packed.
I found a Hispanic market close to my house, I can buy calling cards to Guatemala for $3.00- I am so excited, Little Bug and I can contiue to call his foster family with updates. The market also carries NIDO which is the powdered milk he is on. It is so cool the the packaging is in Spanish and English- I now know what is in it and all the measurement information. Love it!!!
Welcome home to J. and N. They spent yesterday trying to get out of Guatemala, but their plane was delayed for 7 hours in Guatemala due to storms in Houston. Can you imagine, 7 hours in the waiting area in the airport at Guatemala City. I waiting to hear all the details, but the basic story is that they were up for 24 hours straight. YIKES.
Please pray that our flight out of Guatemala on June 1st is not delayed due to weather and that our flight from Houston is not delayed due to weather.
Well, I am off to put the second coat of paint on the trim.
love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 8:11 PM
Monday, May 21, 2007
Here is the journey in pictures- one little bug growing and changing over 15 months
One more week and I will be stepping off a plane in Guatemala City to pick up this precious gift from God.
There is nothing else to say- the pictures say it all.
Love to you,
Posted by Deb at 9:53 PM
Sunday, May 20, 2007
I am Big Sister with Big Brothers/Big Sisters- today I was supposed to get together with my "Little" S. and her former "Big" M. here are the various scenarios of what my day might have looked like:
Plan A: drive to S.'s house pick her up and drive to park to meet up with M. for a few hours then M. would drive S. back home after I left to prepare to the "Celebration of Praise" church this evening.
Plan B: called S. last night to discuss the fact that the interstate between her house and mine is down to 1 lane due to construction and it will 1 (one) hour each way to pick her up and get to the park- perhaps we should reschedule. S is not home, so I left a message. Left a message for M. too since M is out of town and she has a longer drive to take S. home after our outing. When I got home last night at midnight (silent auction for FTGA was so much fun), S. had left a message that her grandparents would drive her over and we could still go to the park and would I please call her when I got the message. Being that it was midnight, I decided not to call and I wrote her an email that said I was fine with the plan but would she confirm that her grandparents would be taking her home.
Got a call from S. at 7 am this morning (before I left for the shower and church), saying that her grandparents would bring her over and take her home. We discussed her calling M. to confirm the change in plans. I expected her to be at my house at 12:30 in the afternoon.
Plan C: I got home from church and started doing some laundry and things around the house before S. arrived. The agreed upon times comes and goes. I know they don't have a cell phone, so no way to confirm that they are on their way and just stuck in construction traffic. At some point, I go out to the car to put my cell phone on the charger- cell phone is in the car since I don't really use it unless I am out driving. I notice there is a message that came through at 11:21 am. A message from S., she is not coming over as M. can not make it, so there is no reason to see me (my translation and feelings over the message- not her words). Needless to say, I am disappointed. I want to see S. before I leave for Guatemala, but it will not happen now as she is busy next weekend.
I am not really sure what to do at this point- Little Bug is coming home June 1st, there will be no outings with S. for at least 1-2 months after he comes home. We have previously discussed this scenario and the plan was that her grandparents would have to bring her over- I am not sure this will happen. Yes, they could be reading this, these are my feelings on the situation. Yes, we need to talk about it, but with me leaving in 8 days, I see absolutely no time when we will be able to do this, since S. is committed to other things next weekend.
Plan D: reality- I spent the afternoon packing Little Bug's suitcase, agonizing over what toys to bring for him, what clothes to take- do I need to take clothes, will I get the ones he still wears back from the foster family? I did laundry, cooked some meals for the first weeks we are home and got them into the freezer. And, I wondered if being a "Big" is going to actually work once the Little Bug comes home.
This seems to be the cycle for S and me. We are both very busy, and there are few times that our schedules line up. My personal feeling is that there is a lot of emotions going on in S. over this change to our relationship and since M. has come back in to the pictures, she has a way to avoid the situation. She commented last time we were out that I am the serious one she can talk to and M. is the fun one. I am not sure I am willing to continue like this. BB/BS is designed as a mentoring program- it not all about the fun times, it is about providing a relationship that models behavior that will help the little to navigate through life with positive results. There are fun things to do, YES, but that is the goal of BB/BS. I fell like it has become "what fun are we going to do". It is not about just getting together and talking, it is about "what event are you taking me to, what are you going to buy me, what am I getting out of this"? We had plans on Mother's Day weekend (Saturday) to go out to the zoo, some of my friends were going to go too, they cancelled and when S. found out, she made other plans.
Why am I even stressing over this- S. is a teenager, she is making choices- her choices just happen to hurt. Maybe I just need to call her and tell her that I can not do this any more and let it go? Thoughts?
EDITED: 9:14 pm
I talked to some wonderful ladies at church tonight about the situations with S. today. Thank God for experienced moms. They let me know that it is good for S. to be moving into peer group relationships more than family and close friends and that I just need to be there to talk with her when she needs me to talk to her. So while I am still sad that we missed this last day as just the 2 of us before the Little Bug comes home, I am glad that S. feel comfortable enough to voice that the changes in the outing were not what she wanted and for her to feel comfortable to say that she was canceling. She is a wonderful, beautiful young lady and I forgot that she has an opinion too and her voice is the most important in this relationship.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 3:42 PM
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Today was a day filled with running around, doing errands, and cleaning- busy, busy, busy!!!!!!
I started the day by folding and putting away all my laundry- this is a big deal as I usually let it sit in the basement until I actually need it (confessions of a single). Then I cut my grass- oh the excitement!!! My dad should be happy to know that I actually cleaned the lawn mower off after finishing and then swept all the grass from the underside of the lawn mower back out in to the yard. Here are some pictures of my backyard- nice slope, plenty of open space- along with my mint green garden shed (it reminds me in winter, that Spring is coming)
After cleaning up from cutting grass, I picked up my parents and headed out to a waiting families meeting with my agency. It was a great meeting- the topic was "Tips for being a successful adoptive family". The speaker was great, the topic was great and it was so nice to meet folks from my agency's yahoo board. This was my last waiting families meeting- next time there is a meeting, I will not be waiting any more!! Ina way I am sad that I will not have these meetings- although I might crash them like another family did today, but I could also be a speaker at the agency's informational seminars that are right before the waiting families portion. That could be COOL. Yes, I take my parents to these meetings, there is a lot of information that I have learned over the last year through being out on the web and listening to other families, but my parents don't have that daily contact with the adoption world- everything is filtered through me, so these meetings give them an opportunity to hear the information in a "safe" way and from experts. If you have an opportunity to attend meetings like these, take your parents, brothers/sisters, etc along.
After the meeting, we headed out to the store- one car seat, one super yard XT, and some little things later, we were set. Now I just have to get the car seat installed and I am ready for the little bug to come home. I am not sure he will like the car set, but we will be legal on the drive home from the airport.
Now I am getting ready- yes posting out to you all is getting ready- for the silent auction for the local Guatemalan Families (www.ftga.net). When this was first set up this year, Little Bug was no closer to being home then when I entered PGN, so I offered to auction off a quilt based on the design of the quilts I have made for the foster family. My offer was to allow the highest bidder to choose 2 colors and I would make the quilt. HAHAHA- now the Little Bug is coming home and I might have to change the item to say that I will finish the quilt by next year. I am fairly certain that I can get the fabric cut, it is getting the time to piece the quilt. But it will all workout. Below are pictures of the quilts for the foster family that I am taking at the pick up trip.
Posted by Deb at 6:17 PM
Friday, May 18, 2007
Well it is hitting me- 10 more days and I will be in Guatemala to bring home the Little Bug!!! Tonight I had dinner with my friends, other single moms with children from Guatemala. For the moment there are no boys in the group, but N. comes home next week and Little Bug the week after. The girls better look out.
My friend T. mentioned that I was the happiest she has seen me in a long time, and at that moment, I had been thinking to myself "one more week and this will be my life- I will be playing with the Little Bug". It made me happy and weepy- I am bringing him home- we will be a family. I am so excited- tons to get done around the house, but I am excited.
The dinner turned into a PINK party for me- there was PINK lemonade, PINK cupcakes with PINK icing, the girls were dressed in PINK and one of the momas was dressed in PINK too. They changed the whole plan behind my back and I missed the theme when I arrived- I think it was the whole little girls thing- they are always in PINK when I see them- it never crossed my mind that they had themed the dinner to celebrate with me. They are the cooliest!!!!
Have I said that I will be in Guatemala in 10 days to bring home Little Bug??????
Man, this is it!!!
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 10:36 PM
Thursday, May 17, 2007
First the photos since I know you all are waiting for those. Appparently, Little Bug refers to Mickey Mouse as "Minnie" according to his foster mother.
I hahve not seen a smiling Little Bug since December. I miss the smiling Little Bug- this is the wary Bug, not sure what is gone, why his picture is being taken. he was probably playing very happily until it was photo time. I wish I knew what he was thinking. It is great to see all his curls back. He has the most beautiful curly hair and I am so excited I get to see it in just over a week.
I have been getting messages and phone calls from friends through out the day and they are asking me if I am excited. Well, no I am not excited right now. I have a lot of work to get organized, I prefer to have plans in place so that everyone knows what is expected of them and when it is expected. I dislike being told "don't worry, it will be covered" and that is what I am being told - nope don't like that at all. Things tend to be forgotten or overlooked in those cases, so I am busy creating documents that show what I do when, so that reports and other deliverables can be sent to the appropriate people at the appropriate time. I need to know that my work is covered while I am in Guatemala and while I am bonding with Aidan. Because, I know that it does not matter that someone else was supposed to do something, if it does not get done, I will be the one that looks bad as I am the point person for the team. So I am working hard on getting things in place and organized.
I think next week, I will be excited. As I pack our suitcases and prepare the house- cleaning, getting meals cooked and in the freezer, then I will be excited. When I get on the plane, I will be excited, during my 6 hour layover in Houston, I will be excited and when I am finally in Guatemala, I will be excited. I will probably not sleep at all the night before Little Bug is brought to the hotel because I am too excited. In the past I have guarded my heart to certain degree - knowing I was always going to have to hand him back to his wonderful foster family, but this time, when he is handed to me, it will be forever. We'll both probably be crying- heck my mom and Little Bug's foster mom will be crying too, so break out the tissues, it will be a cry fest.
Well, I am off to sleep and dream of the Little Bug.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 10:11 PM
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I have been asked to post more details and to provide more information on what PINK is/means.
Details: I emailed my coordinator last night and then I call her this morning before the agency opened- no response. Then after the agency opened, I called again, asking for my coordinator, she indicated that there was no news. Literally 5 minutes later she called with the information on my embassy appointment. I was in shock really, I was upset and crying from the first call and then suddenly she had the news I was finally going to to get the Little Bug, I think my system was highly confused.
After getting off the phone with her, I tried calling my mother at work- no luck, her phone was busy. So I called the hotel in Guatemala City that I like and booked our reservations while at the same time, booking our tickets on line. I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised at the price on the tickets- they were the same prices as when I checked 2 weeks ago. The only thing bad about them is that I could not get the morning flight into Guatemala City, we will not get in until 9 pm. But it is all cool.
I tried calling my mom again, again her phone was busy. So I emailed the information to my boss and to my friends out here in blog land, posted to my yahoo groups and then tried to call my mom again. Finally her phone was not busy and I got to give her the news. Then I called the foster family- it was way early their time, but I had promised to let them know as soon as I knew the date of the embassy appointment. So they now know that they have 2 more weeks with the Little Bug. We have not worked out the details of his transition to me- I offered them the options of staying at the hotel (I would rent a room for them), or I would pay the cab fare each day so they could join us at the hotel. It is up to them, as I am willing to do whatever they feel is in Little Bug's best interest for transition and what they need to to say good-bye to him. I will have him for the rest of my life, they are saying good-by to him after loving and caring for him for 18 months.
For those of you who asked about PINK:
This refers to the PINK appointment slip that the embassy issues for your visa appointment. It is colored PINK, therefore when families are notifed that they have the embassy appointment, the slang is "we have PINK" or "we are PINK". I will take a picture of it and post it to you when I get the document in Guatemala.
Well, I am off to dream happy dreams. Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 10:24 PM
I got the call this morning- we are PINK!!!! Our embassy apointment is May 30th, we will arrive in Guatemala on May 28. We come home on June 1st. Little Bug will be placed in my arms forever exactly 1 year after I gave him back to his foster mother at my first visit trip. GOD is great and he is mighty. His plans are not our plans, but they are prefect. PRAISE HIM, PRAISE HIM
Must go finish making reservations and setting up work coverage while I am out.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 9:51 AM
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
I am tired- this was a long 3 days starting with Sunday. We celebrated Mother's Day at my house (me and my parent). I made dinner for them after church and we hung out while I packed up for my business trip to Indianapolis. We had to drive to the airport to pick up the rental car as my company would not let me drive my car to Indy- just outside the personal vehicle use range. Whatever, we drove to the airport and then my parents drove my car back home. Yes, there are car rental places closer to my house, but they are not open on Sundays- go figure.
After picking up the car and starting on my trip, I stopped to have dinner with friends. Their son was fostered with the same foster family that Little Bug has and they actually were there together. S. came home last year at the end of April, so he has been home just over a year. It was great to visit with them. They gave me my first mother's day present- a rose bush "from" the Little Bug. I started crying, K. started crying- it must be a momma thing. They recently got a new puppy- note to self- NO DOGS until the Little Bug is at least bigger than the dog. The puppy is sure cute, but with a 20 month old and a puppy, K. had her hands full. I can not wait for S. and Little Bug to be reunited. I wonder if they will in some way remember each other.
After dinner, I completed the drive to Indy and settled into the hotel. Monday was all day prep for the presentation today. We worked on slides, content, delivery, etc from 8 am until after 6 pm. Then the group went to dinner at Mo's steakhouse in Indy. The food was great. It was nice to meet folks face to face and to have time to get to know each other. The highlight of the day had to be when one of my colleagues walked in the door (she was never on the emails I got) and she came over to give me a big hug and to say how glad she was that we were going to be working together- it was a former colleague of mine from Parke-Davies/Pfizer. the pharmaceutical world is a small one and this just proved that to me. It was so cool to see her and hear how her life has been going.
Today we presented in the morning. It was my first time presenting in this type of format and I though it was grueling. The team leaders said we did fine, so I am good with that. After the presentation, I was meeting up with friends from Indy for lunch. They are all families with my agency and it was going to be a fun time. Instead, I spent an hour driving around Indy, thanks to the incorrect directions to the restaurant that the hotel gave me. So I was very stressed out when I finally got to lunch. I did have a good time with the moms and kids, but I wish I had been in better spirits. The aggravation of the drive really put me in a bad mood, coupled with not hearing from FTIA about PINK. After lunch, I sped home- yes I admit it, I sped. I needed to get home in time to drop the rental car off at a location close to my house so that my parents did not have to drive to the airport to pick me up.
2 other families, that I know about got PINK last night and this morning, and at least one was submitted the same day I was. I am so frustrated, sad and upset not to have PINK now. I have waited a long time and I am tired of waiting now. I know that God has a plan, but I do not get why I am always waiting.
I can tell that I am not in a good place right now with this wait and I really should just let it go- what will be, will be. I just want to know when the end is really in sight. I need to organize my work schedule so that there is coverage while I am out.
Well, as Annie would say "there is always tomorrow for dreams to come true". So I am praying that tomorrow I get the call and this long road home can end for Little Bug and me.
love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 9:03 PM
Monday, May 14, 2007
Well it is 10 pm here in Indianapolis and there was no call about PINK tonight. So I am hoping for tomorrow. Of course I am in a meeting from 8:30-11:30 where I will have to turn off both my cell phones, so the call will come then. I am sad tonight, I wanted to know that the mebassy had given me the visa appointment so I could pick up the Little Bug. I have to present at the meeting tomorrow and then I am going to lunch with some FTIA families from Indy. There is another mom waiting for PINK, perhaps our lunch will be a celebration?
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 10:01 PM
Saturday, May 12, 2007
It is the eve of Mother's Day in the US, and since I will be traveling for work over the next few days, I wanted to take this time to post a message just for my mom.
Thank you so much for all your love and support through the years. When times were tough, you kept the family strong, when I needed you, you were there and throught this adoption you have been my biggest supporter. I know that I have done things that caused your hear to skip a beat and there ahe been times when I "disappeared" from you, but I have aloways loved you. I remember you sitting up with me and putting cold towels on my back when I got so sunburned at the beach, I remember you letting me cry on your shoulder when my boyfriend broke up with me, I remember you calling me when I moved into my first apartment and telling me"that perhaps I might call you occassional, just to let you know that I was not dead". That still makes me luagh when I think that I was just down at college, less than 10 miles away, but it seemed a world away from you and the family house. You have always been there helping me to be a better person. You are my best friend.
As I become a mom, I hope that I can raise the little bug with the same love and support so that he knows that he always loved and he is always supported just as you have done for me and for my siblings.
Thank you for everything, but most of all, thank you for being my mom and best friend.
Love your daughter,
To all the mommas out there- the ones waiting to be a mom, the ones hoping to be a mom, the ones who are a mom, and the ones who have become grandmas- Happy Mother's Day!!!!!
Posted by Deb at 10:19 PM
Friday, May 11, 2007
Some of you have asked m e offline, why I refer to my son as Little Bug. Well here is the whole story for.
I worked for Parke-Davis in Ann Arbor, Michigan (now Pfizer) and while working there, we were given headphones to wear in our cubes so that we could listen to music without bothering our neighbors in cube land - this was before IPODS. The headphones also had a microphone attached and when you moved the microphone to the straight up position, it looked you had an antenna sticking up from your head. Well my friend, Pam, would come over to my desk and since my back was to her, she would comment that I looked like a bug, and she started calling me bug. We were training together to walk the Avon 3 Day Breast Cancer walk (60 miles), and I started calling her bugling because she was and is smaller than I am. They were just names we had for each other as friends. After I moved back home, she would send me the most wonderful packages with bug orientated items in them, they were such a welcome surprise in the mail, I love seeing her pacakges in the mail.
Anyway, after I received my son's referral, I struggled with what nickname to give him-eveyone in our family has a nickname. I had some wild ones going for him. Then on my first visit trip, I put him in a red jacket with a hood and he fell asleep on my chest- when I looked down at him, he looked like a a lady bug (potato bug to some people) all snuggled up and comfortable in sleep and I knew right then and there that he was Little Bug. So he has been Little Bug since then.
My neighbors tell me that eventually I will have to stop calling him by this name as little boys will come up with other things to call him like "roach", "sink bug", etc- the teasing that goes on among kids. But, I am going to hang onto this name as long as I can, he is my Little Bug and I am his Momma Bug. I have missed almost 2 years of his life, I think he will be called Little Bug for long time.
Love to you,
Posted by Deb at 10:07 PM
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Today is Mother's Day in Guatemala, my post is dedicated to the 2 most important women in my adoption.
Dear Little Bug's birth mother,
Thank you for choosing life for your son, thank you for the strength to carry him in your womb, thank you for parenting him for 4 months. Thank you for the beauty and love that I see in your face when I look at the DNA picture of the 2 of you. I can not imagine the heart ache and struggle you endured in making the decision to allow another momma to parent him. You are never far from my thoughts. I thank you for your support through this last year, at anytime, you could have said "enough is enough" and choosen to reparent him, but you stayed with the process and I know it must have broken your heart. Thank you for the strength to place him for adoption and to want a different life for him. You will be honored in our family for your choices and your love for the rest of my life. My prayer for you on this day, is that you have peace in your heart about the decision you made, that you are covered with God's grace and mercy and that he holds you safe in his arms and comforts you when you are grieving. I wish with all my heart that I could stand before you and promise to you that I will alway love the little bug, that this is forever and that I am honored that I am the little bug's momma. I wish I could tell you that I lvoe you and I want you to always know how he is doing and how he is growing. You are part of my family and you hold a very honored place in my heart. I doubt I will ever be standing before you, so I stand before the people that read this blog, my friends and family and I make these promises to them so that I am held accountable.
Dear Little Bug's foster mother,
You have cared for, loved and encouraged the littel bug for nearly 18 months now. When you started this process, I am sure that you figured he would go to the US like the other boys in 6 months. Yet, here you are 18 months later, preparing to say good bye to the little boy that calls you "momi", the little boy who smiles at you and reaches for you when he is scared and tired. I can not imagine how you could prepare for this day. You have told me many times that you always knew he would be leaving, but how do you prepare your heart for something like this? You are a gift from God, you have always been there for him, you have provided pictures galore, updates galore, and so much compassion to him and me. You are so strong and so beautiful. I hope that I can continue to rasie the little bug with the love and strength that you have shown. My prayer for you, on this day, is that you know that I will never forget you, the little bug will never forget you. Your family is part of my family. I want you to know that we will be coming back to visit, we will call you, that this site was made just so you culd follow him as he grows. May God's compassion and comfort be with you in these last days with the little bug. May you always know that we are just an email, a call, a photo away and we will never cease to honor your love and committment to little bug.
There is so much more I wish I could say to you both, but I can not find the words, because I do not think there are words enough to describe the depth of my love and compassion for you both. You are honored among women, perfect in God's eyes and a wonderful example of the mother that I want to be. May you be blessed all the days of your lives.
Love to you,
Posted by Deb at 9:09 PM
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
No, there is nothing going on with my adoption- that I know of. I am still waiting for PINK. There are just other things going on and I am so upset over them.
I can't say much out here, but involves a group of freinds I have made in this adoption and possibility that I was dupped and have opened them up to reprecussions from unscrupulous people (adoption people, lest you all think I have a whole other life).
I am heart broken and sick to my stomach over the situation. I had bad feelings about something and I tried to gather information and as I got more information, more and more seemed off to me, so I took some decisive action- I could be wrong, I am willing to admit I am wrong, but something did not feel right and I finally had to go with my feelings in order to protect these friends from potential bad things. It all sounds so clandestine doesn't it?
I tell you this, the adoption world is a drama, and there are good people and there are bad people and some days it is really hard to tell who are the bad ones.
I am going to cry myself to sleep over the actions I had to take today.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 11:17 PM
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
First the news: Official notification came today- our file has been submitted to the embassy for the final visa appointment- PINK in adoption language. My coordiantor let me know that I will likely not hear this week on the appointment, but it could be early next week. Of course, I will be in meetings on Monday and Tuesday and will not be able to take the call. Yes, there are times when I can not be reached. She promised to leave message everywhere for me so that when I am out of the meetings I can check to see if the call has come.
While I am at the meetings- they are out of town, I will be able to have lunch with some of the other families from FTIA that have been with me on this journey. I am looking forward to meeting Angie face to face after emailing for over a year and I am looking forward to seeing Ann, MaryAnn, and Stacy again, along with their beautiful children. This Thursday night, I am having dinner with a couple other single moms from my agency. So in the space of 5 days I will see lots of friends from FTIA who have supported, cried with me, rejoiced with me and encouraged me through this last year. It is a wonderful thing.
I have been reflecting on how this adoption journey has changed me and the one thing that stands out is how many friends I now have. Before I started this journey, I had moved back to my home town and had been struggling to make a circle of firends like I had in Michigan. There, I had friends from work, friends from church and friends in my neighborhood. There was always someone to do something with at the drop of hat and always someone to have dinner with or see a movie. But when I moved home, I struggled, I felt like I never had that circle. Even at church I struggled trying to find the friends that I knew were out there. So as I started this adoption, I figured I would be going it alone, but suddenly a circle of friends was formed and it has grown and the friends I wanted are suddenly here in my life. I have friends who call just to meet up for dinner - although now we discuss the babies schedules, there are friends who send emails and notes when they know I am down, or when they are feeling that I might be down. It is not just families adopting that have become my circle of friends, but the ladies at quilting, the folks in chior, the ladies in the Tuesday night bible study. When I was not looking, that was when the friends came into my life and the friends from Michigan are still in my life too, just in a different way.
Now, the next chapter is starting and I see more friends coming into my life, friends in the LRH, Little Bug's foster family, Bua and her US family in NC and I am sure that there are more coming just because one little boy is coming into my life and he is opening up a whole new world to me.
If you every think that one person can not make a difference, look at the difference one person in your life has made for you. It might be your mother, your sister, you spouse, your child, your best friend, your doctor, whomever- that one person changed you and made a difference to you.
Little Bug- you have changed me, no matter where this life leads us, I am changed for the better becuase of you and I am changed for good because of you, becuase I can not go back to who I was before.
My prayer and wish for you, my son, is that you know that you are special to me because of who you are, not because of anything you do or who you will become, but because you are. I pray that you see that you are special to God Almighty and that you are his creation, his gift and that you honor him all your days. You are a blessing, a wonder, a little boy who is my son. I love you and I am long for the day that I can hold you forever and tell you of my love for you.
Love to you,
Posted by Deb at 9:52 PM
Monday, May 7, 2007
Adoption Supervisors sent me a note this morning that Little Bug has his Guatemalan Passport and we were supposed to be submitted to the embassy today. It i used to take 2-3 days to hear that you had a PINK appointment, but it is taking longer longer now due to increase scrutiny of the cases (thanks to bad people who wreck it for the rest of us), so I am not expecting to hear about the appointment until Friday at the earliest.
It is looking like our appointment could be the last week of May/first week of June. I am so excited, yet at the same time, my heart filled with thoughts of the Little Bug's foster family and what they must be going through right now. I can not imagine how hard this is for them, to give up a child they have loved for 18 months (even though they knew he was coming to the US), how difficult this is for them. While they are happy for me, they are sad for their loss. They are such a wonderful family, I could not have asked for a better family for Little Bug. Their love and their compassion are more than I could have ever imagine or expected. They are a blessing and a gift from God to me. I am a better person because of knowing them and watching them with Little Bug. I hope and pray that I can be half the momma to Little Bug that his foster mother was- she is an angel. I can not imagine a more loving husband and father than Little Bug's foster dad- he is an inspiration. And the daughters are just incredible, there are no word to describe their beauty- it is not just physical beauty, but a beauty that radiates out from inside. This family is awesome and I will miss the pictures from them, although I hope they will continue to send me and Little Bug updates of them. We will continue to send them pictures, and call them and bring them into our lives as best as I can.
I am so excited, so overwhelmed and scared and ready- I am sure there are more emotions in there, I just have not figured out what they are.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 5:46 PM
Sunday, May 6, 2007
It is Sunday evening and the lawyer reports are due tomorrow- could there possibly be an update that states we have the Little Bug's passport and are being submitted to the embassy? I am praying so. I am ready now, I am ready for him to come home and for our life as a family to start.
On one of the boards that read, someone posted about the season changing through the adoption process- that many of us have seen Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter and now Spring again and we are still waiting (in some cases, families have been waiting 2 years), while the world changes around us, we are stuck in the season of waiting- the seemingly never ending season of waiting.
In some cases families are now hearing the most horrible news that an adoptive family can hear and their season of waiting is over, but there will be no child coming home. All because someone lied, someone thought they could treat another human being like they were less than trash and purposefully set out to destroy some one's dream. My prayers are with these families, the one that have come before and the ones now facing this reality. I will never understand the lies and deceit that we as humans inflict on each other. I lift you each up to God of mercy and comfort and pray that he carries you through this.
We celebrated my mother's birthday today. Being with my family can be very stressful (yes, they are reading this), I think having them all in my house at the same time brings out the worst in me. I feel pulled to be the daughter, the sister, but I really just want to be me. There is a family dynamic that comes into play when we are all together. I have to say that at times, I think it is unhealthy and there are times I wished I lived away still. That was hard to write. I do OK when it is my parents and I (we go out each weekend, usually to dinner), I do OK when it is just my brother and I do OK when it is just my sister and her family, but all of us together - it is hard and I usually just want to go into my room and wait for the group to thin out- hard to do when you're the host of the birthday bash. I think it is the introvert in me that comes out during these family functions. I had better get over it given that I have already started planning the Little Bug's Welcome Home/2nd birthday bash. Yes, lots of people, more of my family and stress galore.
I don;t have much More to say, other than a SHOUT OUT to the MacKenzie crew and Bua on the arrival of Abby-Grace. May this time be a blessing to you all and may you feel the love of many friends being poured out on you.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 8:28 PM
Saturday, May 5, 2007
I think I am done, every room in the house has been cleaned out, many boxes taken to Goodwill (why is there never an attendant on duty even when signs says there should be one on duty?), many books taken to the library for the Friends of the Library sale, dust bunnies cleared out and surfaces polished.
This is the reading/rocking corner - you can also see the stroller still in the box. It is also from my shower last June.
This is the dresser/changing table covered with items for the pick up trip and some pictures that need to be hung up. It really is not this messy, it is just the collection area right now.
And this is the EMBASSY OUTFIT- don't you think he will be the handsomiest boy in the building???? I love the sweater and the Khaki pants (they are pants, not shorts). I am so excited to think that hopefully within the next 30 days he will be here and I will be a Momma. It is overwhelming to think about.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 5:14 PM
Friday, May 4, 2007
Yesterday, I told you all about being a pack rat and the amount of cleaning I was doing, well I must have been a tad overzealous in my cleaning, becuase I can not find my Cable remote- which means I have no TV since I run it all through the one remote. This is a flash back to my toddlerhood when I would "help" my mother clean and throw away one of my shoes. She could not figure out where my shoes were going until the day she followed me around and saw the show go into the trash. Mind you, it was just one shoe, never both shoes. I guess we never get too far away from who we were.
Happy notes today: another long timer exited PGN, another friend got her PINK appointment and I am hopefully that I was submittted to the embassy today. I would really like to travel for pick up over Memorial Day weekend. But whatever happens, happens and I will be ok with it.
I really don't have much more to say tonight- I have to go clean somemore so that perhaps the remote might be found. NASCAR is on Saturday night and I have to be able to watch it and Victory Lane while I make the cake for my mother's birthday celebration on Sunday.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 9:12 PM
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Since I have put off cleaning up the house in anticipation of the little bug coming home, I am having to play catch up now. I had these great plans of cleaning all through the months of waiting, but as the process went on and on with no end in sight, I had less and less motivation to actually working on organizing and cleaning the house, so I am really paying the price now. I have to admit that I am pack rat. Somewhere along the line, I picked up this feeling that I needed things to fill my house. Tonight as I was cleaning off bookshelves, I realized that most of the knick-knacks were just filler and I did not even like them- so into the trash they went. I kept the ones that do have meaning, the ceramics from Japan, the papercrane a freind made, the vvase I bought in San Francisco, things like that. I know, bad me, I did not recycle, but I had already taken 5 boxes of stuff to goodwill today and there will be more this weekend, and I have 7 boxes of books sitting here to go to the Friends of the Library so they can sell them to earn money for the libraries (El- are you happy- I culled 75% of my books). It was kind of sad letting the books go, I like them, I like to read. But I don't think I will be reading too much for a while.
I did keep books that I thought the little bug will enjoy- Anne of Green Gables (the entire series), the Redwall series, the Dragon riders of Pern series and a few others. I hear you all now- Anne of Green Gables for a boy???? But it is a great series. I might even buy/borrow from the library, the Little House on the Prarie books.
I am culling movies tomorrow might, which means I will also be replacing the DVD player that no longer shuts. I have only had the new DVD player in the house for about 6 weeks now, I suppose it is time to change it out. See, adoption depression can get so bad that a DVD player that will not shut can stare you in the face for weeks on end and you don't even care.
I also cleaned out the closet in the spare bedroom that will be for Bua when she comes. So now not only does she have a closet, but she has a dresser too. Now, if I could only get the bed cleaned off so she has a place to sleep, it would be all ready for her. Just checking, Bua, to see if you are reading the blog. The bedroom will be ready for you by the end of the day on Saturday. I am praying that things are moving along and that you are doing well and are resting.
On more prayer notes, please pray for my friend, she got some bad news today and she is fearful that her adoption will actually complete. I have been crying over her news since I saw her message. I don't want to post her name here since I did not ask her if it was ok, but God knows who you are praying for and he knows the situation. I don't know what to say to her or what exactly to pray for other than a happy ending for her and her daughter, but God knows and he knows what needs to be done, so I am giving it all to him. It hurts to watch others struggling, I just want it to be easy for all of us, not just some of us. I know that life is not fair, and I know I wrote yesterday that it is not a race, but a journey, but does the journey have to be so painful for some and not for others? I just don't understand the whys of it all.
I have another friend who lost her 3rd friend to cancer today- she is really hurting, so please pray for Lisa and her friend's family. It has been a very hard year for them all.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 9:10 PM
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
I just got off the phone with the foster family and they always put the little bug on the phone to "talk" to me. Well tonight he called me MOMMA over and over. He meant it, I know he did. I think the DVD of me reading books to him was the key to this event. He knows my face and my voice. I am so happy!!! My Little Bug called me MOMMA!!! Have I said that?
I also found out that I have the birth certificate listing me as his MOMMA!!! It is offical. Now on to the embassy. Please, Please God, I want to bring him home soon.
Cripes, now I have to start cleaning again.
Love to you all,
Momma Bug- whose Little Bug called her MOMMA- have I mentioned that?
Posted by Deb at 11:12 PM
So many times as I read other postings it is like everyone is running a race to see who can bring their child home the fastest and at the youngest age. Well folks, it is not a race, it is journey.
Posted by Deb at 9:45 PM
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Tonight was the last Women's Bible Study for the year- we follow the school year cycle, so now we are off for the summer. I have not been in a women's bible study for a few years and I only joined this one to pass the time until the Little Bug came home- fully believing that he would come home in the middle of the first session and I would be off the hook. Yes, can you see it coming, God's sense of timing and his humor.
We studied 2 books this session: "The Keys to a balanced life" and "Spiritual Authencity". The Balanced life session was good, but the Authenticity session was what I really needed to hear and study. Tonight has we finished up, one of the last questions was "what have you learned from this session?"
My response: I have learned that there will be little eyes and little ears watching and listening to me ina few weeks and I am his model of who Christ is. If the Little Bug is to come to know Christ as his savior, then I have to model Christ's behaviors to him from the very beginning and I am falling short already. I need to be praying daily, I need to be in the Bible studying daily, I need my quiet time with God daily. Right now, I pray as needs come through on my emails- which is much more than I have done in the past, but I still do not have a consistent time to sit and read God's Word or to be with him. So starting tonight, I will be sitting in the rocking chair in the Little Bug's room, reading aloud God's Word and spending time with him who made me. he who has a perfect plan and whose timing on bringing the Little Bug home is perfect.
I know that everything that I have gone through to bring the Little Buf home is part of a perfect plan- I might not like the timing of the plan some days, but it is perfect. God is good all the time, all the time God is good.
I pray that the Little Bug feels my love, that his foster family is safe and protected and I pray that his birth mother knows that he is loved and that she will always be an honored member of the Little Bug's family. May 10th is mother's day in Guatemela, and I think I will start lighting 2 candles, one for his foster mother and one for his birth mother. Without them, the Little Bug would be lost and I am forever grateful for their love and sacrifice for him.
Love to you all,
Posted by Deb at 10:25 PM