Friday, March 13, 2009

Retrospective- How far we have come- a new beginning

June 2007- Bug was:

34 inches tall
24.6 pounds

March 2009- Bug is:
40 inches tall
30.2 pounds

Then- he was 21.5 months old
Now - he is 43 months old

Then- he had been home 1 day
Now- he has been home just as long as he was not (21.5 months)

Those are the stats- so black and white- it makes it seems that there is a break point- but that is not the reality. The reality is, that through this process, a larger family has been knitted together- I can not erase Bug's past (not that I want to), I can not change that he has not always been with me. But, I can embrace his past and make his story OUR story. We have shared the same journey from different perspectives. Some would say that he lost and I gained. But I say we both gained and e both lost something along the journey.

We both gained a family- our little family, me and him, we both gained new family- I gained Mireya, Carlos and the girls, he gained my extended family, I gained his birth mother, he gained her story. We have both lost things- I lost my life as a single, he lost a birth family and that relationship (although hopefully not forever).

As I think back to my emotions on 01Jun2007- I never thought we would be standing at this point- it seemed so far away. Now I see the journey that started with an application still stretches before us- we have had bumps in the road, we have been side tracked by drama- but our journey is really just starting.

I am closing this blog and starting a new one. This one is too wrapped up in the negative emotions and the early struggle as a new parent. I am ready to leave the negativity behind- I am ready to leave the lies and deception behind. In the end, I know they existed, Bug will know they existed, but I hold on to them and pass them to Bug, then the cycle is not broken. It is time to walk in the SONshine of my life, to say good bye to the clouds of darkness and pain. It is time to focus on who I need want to be and the man I want Bug to grow up to be.

Please join us on Monday 16Mar2009 at our new blog:

Love and hugs,

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The excitement in the neighborhood - the day after

Yesterday was an exciting day in the neighborhood. And not in a good way.

Remember, I work from home, I sit in my office, right next to the window. Yesterday was a gorgeous day- I had the windows open, letting in the fresh air. Lots of meetings and lots of heads down work on the computer.

About 2:30 pm- I hear the teenagers coming through the neighborhood. They walk through every day- right up the middle of the street- like cars are supposed to move for them instead of walking on the sidewalk (a topic for another day). I heard a noise- a crash or bang. I looked out the window and saw the neighbors very large trash can in the road and figured that was what I heard and I went back to work and my phone call.

My meetings ran late- until 5 pm and as I was finishing up the last call and getting my shoes on to go get Bug, the front door bell rang. It was Tony from next door. Apparently, the noise I heard was their front door being kicked in!!!! Of course I gave my statement to the police officer. I felt so bad, I was so wrapped up in my work, that I failed to look up when I heard the kids come through- so I have no idea which kids it was walking through the neighborhood- I could not give descriptions or anything other than "I heard voices". I feel bad because I did not investigate the noise I heard. But to be honest, with how windy it was yesterday and empty garbage cans being blown down and rolling down the street, I think I still would have assumed it was the can being blown over.

Everyone thinks it was kids, only a jar of loose change was taken- not the electronics, not the jewelry, not all the other stuff laying around- just the money jar.

It is quite unnerving though- to know I was home and someone broke in. I have checked from outside my house- someone outside can not see me in my office. This worries me. It also gives me more reason not to put my office down in the basement eventually. At least if I am upstairs I can easily see someone attempting to get in my house- being in the basement, I would feel trapped because the stairs would be between me and the door if someone came down the stairs.

Os things to think about. I am very grateful that no one was home next door- they have a little girl who is 9 months old.

Love to you,

Monday, March 9, 2009

The begining of a new journey is coming

Well, the time has come- the counter on the blog tells me so. The day that I thought was so far away on 01Jun2007, is one week away.

One week from today, Bug will have been with me longer then he was not with me. One week from today, Bug will have been home 21.5 months and 1 day.

It many ways it will mark the end of the adoption journey- the end of the time when our lives are measured against what we never had together. The time when other's had more of us than we had of each other. It also marks the point at which, I have been Bug's momma longer Popi and Mireya were his parents and that makes me so sad. Th tears are rolling down my face for the lost that again stands before them and for the loss that Bug is going through- again without even being aware of it.

We parents have always known the point would come when we would be equal in time, and the time would shift to the other side of Bug's life. I have stood watching the time shift slowly toward me- dreading the emotions that would come with that shift, because again it is loss. I can not speak for the emotions of Popi, Mireya and the girls, but I think I know what they might be feeling. I don't know what Bug feels, or even if he comprehends what is about to occur. But I know he misses the girls and he talks about his family in Guatemala. Again, there are no winners here, it is process filled with loss and Bug is the one who has lost it all to gain a new life. Popi, Mireya and the girls are forever part of Bug's life and family and by extension, so they are part of my life. I am forever grateful for having them in my life and forever grateful for their love and devotion to Bug.

BUT- I do recognize that this blog carries alot of negative emotion for me. There are posts here, that while true, are filled with the anger I have felt at various lies and half truths I was told while waiting for Bug to come home. I realize now that I need to leave that all behind in order for Bug and I to be a healthier family. I need to leave the darkness behind and walk in to the light of truth- that I am Bug's momma and we are family. We are not leaving all of you behind and we are not going private. This blog will remain open to readers, but I am starting a new blog.

I may still talk about adoption and the issues that we face, but I am leaving the lies from the lawyer behind, I am leaving the half truths from my agency behind, I am leaving the despair and the depression of the adoption process behind. I can not change the past, i can not change Bug's story, but I do not have to dwell on it or hold on to the negative aspects. The story is what it is, but most of all, it is Bug's story now and I am only the caretaker.

On Sunday evening, I will post the link to the new blog- it will be a banner that stays up on this blog. But I will not post out here after 15Mar2009. The new blog will be open to all readers and I hope that you will join us on the new blog to journey with us on rest of the journey.

Upcoming journey:

We are going on vacation in a few months- I have been planning this one for month now. we are headed to the "happiest place on earth" AKA Walt Disney World. Yep, those of you who listened to me a few years ago will recognize that I am breaking my own rule. I said then, that Disney is wasted on kids- but here I am taking Bug to Disney for his 4th birthday (a little early). The hotel is booked, the tickets are bought, we are just searching for airfare now.

I know that Bug is 3.5 years old and I could rent a stroller at Disney for him, for the times when he is tired, but the strollers at Disney are HUGEEEEEEE things that take up tons of space when the park is packed. I could not stomach getting one of them. So, I have been thinking that there has to be umbrella stroller that is for bigger kids (his original umbrella stroller is tooo small). At the Home and Garden show, I saw this lady pushing her 4 year old daughter in an umbrella stroller that looked like it would work. I asked her about it and sure enough, we now own one. It will carry Bug until he is 55 pounds or until I decide he can walk the distance.

This is one cool umbrella stroller. It is a shame I did not look for it before our trip to Guatemala- although Bug probably would not have sat in it then. Hopefully he will like it enough at Disney, becuase there is no way I can carry him through the park at the end of the day- or whenever he decides he has had enough.

Love to you,