Well, the time has come- the counter on the blog tells me so. The day that I thought was so far away on 01Jun2007, is one week away.
One week from today, Bug will have been with me longer then he was not with me. One week from today, Bug will have been home 21.5 months and 1 day.
It many ways it will mark the end of the adoption journey- the end of the time when our lives are measured against what we never had together. The time when other's had more of us than we had of each other. It also marks the point at which, I have been Bug's momma longer Popi and Mireya were his parents and that makes me so sad. Th tears are rolling down my face for the lost that again stands before them and for the loss that Bug is going through- again without even being aware of it.
We parents have always known the point would come when we would be equal in time, and the time would shift to the other side of Bug's life. I have stood watching the time shift slowly toward me- dreading the emotions that would come with that shift, because again it is loss. I can not speak for the emotions of Popi, Mireya and the girls, but I think I know what they might be feeling. I don't know what Bug feels, or even if he comprehends what is about to occur. But I know he misses the girls and he talks about his family in Guatemala. Again, there are no winners here, it is process filled with loss and Bug is the one who has lost it all to gain a new life. Popi, Mireya and the girls are forever part of Bug's life and family and by extension, so they are part of my life. I am forever grateful for having them in my life and forever grateful for their love and devotion to Bug.
BUT- I do recognize that this blog carries alot of negative emotion for me. There are posts here, that while true, are filled with the anger I have felt at various lies and half truths I was told while waiting for Bug to come home. I realize now that I need to leave that all behind in order for Bug and I to be a healthier family. I need to leave the darkness behind and walk in to the light of truth- that I am Bug's momma and we are family. We are not leaving all of you behind and we are not going private. This blog will remain open to readers, but I am starting a new blog.
I may still talk about adoption and the issues that we face, but I am leaving the lies from the lawyer behind, I am leaving the half truths from my agency behind, I am leaving the despair and the depression of the adoption process behind. I can not change the past, i can not change Bug's story, but I do not have to dwell on it or hold on to the negative aspects. The story is what it is, but most of all, it is Bug's story now and I am only the caretaker.
On Sunday evening, I will post the link to the new blog- it will be a banner that stays up on this blog. But I will not post out here after 15Mar2009. The new blog will be open to all readers and I hope that you will join us on the new blog to journey with us on rest of the journey.
Upcoming journey:
We are going on vacation in a few months- I have been planning this one for month now. we are headed to the "happiest place on earth" AKA Walt Disney World. Yep, those of you who listened to me a few years ago will recognize that I am breaking my own rule. I said then, that Disney is wasted on kids- but here I am taking Bug to Disney for his 4th birthday (a little early). The hotel is booked, the tickets are bought, we are just searching for airfare now.
I know that Bug is 3.5 years old and I could rent a stroller at Disney for him, for the times when he is tired, but the strollers at Disney are HUGEEEEEEE things that take up tons of space when the park is packed. I could not stomach getting one of them. So, I have been thinking that there has to be umbrella stroller that is for bigger kids (his original umbrella stroller is tooo small). At the Home and Garden show, I saw this lady pushing her 4 year old daughter in an umbrella stroller that looked like it would work. I asked her about it and sure enough, we now own one. It will carry Bug until he is 55 pounds or until I decide he can walk the distance.
This is one cool umbrella stroller. It is a shame I did not look for it before our trip to Guatemala- although Bug probably would not have sat in it then. Hopefully he will like it enough at Disney, becuase there is no way I can carry him through the park at the end of the day- or whenever he decides he has had enough.
Love to you,
Deb
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1 comment:
We took Levi last year at age 4 and he had a blast. he was 40 inches tall so he could still ride almost everything that he wanted too. We didn't use a stroller at all, but there were two of us to share the load when he got too tired. I enjoyed watching the amazement and joy on his face more than anything I could even describe!
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