Tuesday, September 30, 2008


No pictures yet- but we are leaving in just under 11 hours for our vacation. Yes, I am writing this way past my bedtime- dang gone allergies and sinuses. Angel, I feel for you.

I think 90% of our stuff is packed, I still have momma things to pack- like clothes. but Bug's stuff is packed, so I got the important things done. He has half our suitcase, a backpack with toys, and stuff for the car and an entire bag of snacks (which he will share with pap).

If tonight was any indication, the 4 hour ride with pap and Bug should be riot!!!! If they survive, it will be a miracle. You all can pray for my mom and I, as I think the boys riding in the backseat of the car are going to be a handful on this trip.

We are coming back Sunday. I have been told our cabin has Internet access, so fingers crossed for a few posts from the trip.

Love and hugs to you,

Monday, September 29, 2008

Some clarification

I feel the need to clarify why I would panic when Bug said "Jesus is in my heart". I came to Christ when I was 23 years old, after 14 years growing up in the Catholic church and then walking away from the Catholic church when a priest told me that my mother was going to burn in H*** because she divorced my bio father. After that, I took a nice ling break from organized religion and basically was searching for God everywhere except in a church

I came to Christ after searching for years for what was missing in my life, I came to Christ after 3 years of hanging out with a wonderful family who never preached to me, who prayed for me and who showed me Christ's love each and every day.

I did not grow up in a house where a relationship with Jesus was talked about, we prayed at dinner, we prayed at bedtime, we went to church on Sunday and that was pretty much it. it is just how it was - reading a bible was part of who we were or of the church. The catholic church I grew up in was sacraments and church on Sundays- that was it. If you had those things checked, off, you were goning to heavan (my opinion). It did not matter what you did during the week, so long as you were in church on Sundays.
When I came to Christ as 23, it was so different but I made the choice. I really weighed the options, I looked at the evidence. It was as much an emotiona;/spiritual decision as it was a rational decision.

So for Bug, at age 3, to tell me that he has Jesus in his heart is amazing, because it is outside of what I know and I am not sure how to nurture his relationship. Bug has to come to Christ in his time and in his way- I hope he always is a Christ follower, but I recognize that at this point, Bug could just be repeating what we talk about. So it scares me because I don't want to push him away from Christ and I don't want to be too blase about it that I miss helping Bug find his way to Christ. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

On a different note, I have decided for the foreseeable future, Bug will not be in the house while I pack for our vacations- Little Man was a shadow that was stuck on me like glue. Every time I turned around, he was right there. And when I walked down the hallway, he had to lead and he was walking about as slow as possible. It took an hour to pack what should have taken 20 minutes. Little Man (Bug's latest nickname) was not too excited about packing his toys. I think he is clueless as to what vacation is all about.

Well, I am off to read emails and blogs before bed.

Love to you,

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Out of the mouths of babes (or toddlers)

I have been a slacker momma this week and I did not take a single picture of Bug. But this coming week, we head out on our first official vacation and I plan to take a ton of pictures- so prepare yourselves for lots of pictures.

Oh to the topic at hand, this week Bug has really has some cute things to say or do.

Saturday night at life group, he looks at me during kids worship and says " I have Jesus in my heart".
I melted, then I panicked. Because what do I do now????? Help!!! He is obviously getting our talks about Jesus, our prayer time, church time and his Sunday school lessons, but what do I do now?? Staying with the same routine seems the right choice, but is there more I should be doing to encourage him to know Jesus as his friend?

Today he was singing something and he told me they sang it in church. Something about "thank you Jesus" and then monkey sounds. They have been learning about Noah and the Ark. I think I am going to have to ask for CD of the kids church music so I know exactly what Bug is singing.

Bug has been very concerned this week that he is both my baby and my big boy. He really wants to be my baby, so he checks frequently to see if he is still my baby.

He is trying so hard to mimic conversations- we get in the car in the morning and his question is "so, how was your day", about 5 minutes later, the same question is fired from the back seat. He asks me "how is your mom, how's your dad?" Like they are somebody he does not know. I asked him this week, how his momma is and he told me "she is in college". Not sure what he was thinking there, but we had a talk about his momma being on the couch talking to him and not a college.

Some days, I would like to know exactly what is going on in that toddler mind of his.

Well, I am off to bed. Bug and I have 2 days before we leave on vacation and I have lots to get done.

Love and hugs to you,

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Our new normal

Yes, that is Bug sacked out sleeping in my bed. he has been in my bed since I came home from my last business trip. I doubt I am I going to get him out before we get home from our upcoming vacation. I am resigned to having 1/4 of my bed for the next 2 weeks. But when we get home, he is going back in his bed.
Sharing a bed with toddler boy is not a way to get restful, deep sleep. Even though I have put a pool noodle on the one side and it keeps him in the bed, I still am half awake all night worrying that he will somehow fall out of bed.
I watched him fall off the couch last weekend- OK not that I really watched him fall, but I know how it happened- he was sleeping on the couch exactly like he is in the picture above, he must have shifted just enough as I walked by him to flip over on the way to the floor and land sitting up. He had the most confused look on his face and it certainly did not help that I was holding back the laughter from the look on his face. He could not figure out why he was awake and how he ended up on the floor. Poor baby.
But back to the bed sharing- for whatever reason, toddler boy thinks my bed is his bed and he takes over 3/4 of the bed when he sleeps. It does not matter if I move him over when I get in bed, he will take back all the space a tsome point in the night. So about midnight I wake up realizing that I squished to the one side and my arm is numb from lying in the same position for hours.
Maybe while we are on vacation next week, Mam and Pap will entertain Bug while this momma bug gets a nap in the bed all alone.
We leave in 6 days for the mountains- I am so excited to be going to the Smokies for a long weekend. The weather should be cooler and the trees should be changing color- it should be a great time.
Love and hugs to you all,

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Off to the farm again this weekend

Today we headed over to the farm again for some reunion time with the 4 boys fostered by Carlos, Mireya and the girls. This has become an annual tradition to get together and let the boys play, take a hayride and just hang out together.

The 4 boys, in age order: from the right, D, C, Bug and Hermano- precious boys who are growing up so fast.The pictures from the farm are in random order- all the men, big and little with the newest calf on the farm. Momma cow was letting us she was not pleased that her calf was outside of the fence- bellowing is not even closer to her noises Bug and Hermano petting the calf
Bug, D and Hermano chasing the chickens- screaming with laughter as they ran- too cute
An attempt at getting all the siblings and the boys into a picture- one daughter missing, little brother missing and one Bug who refused to participate, also missing

Bug and A. A always watches Bug when we are together and he has always gone to her and allowed her to hold him, take him up hills or to play. It is amazing to watch how comfortable he with her. I am sure she reminds him of Nigua, Karla and Suzy.

"mountain goat" cows- this is a pile of wood chips and the calves were climbing all over it.
OUR FAVORITE FARMER and the best tractor driver we know- VACA DADDY
What is Bug looking at???????
The calf peeing- see the puddle between the legs. The boys were fascinated. I learned, from watching, that a calf must be hallow because I have never seen that volume of pee.
The gang- vaca momma, Hermano, Bug, A, other A, M, J, C, S with C, and L- missing are B (S's husband) and Big A (S's oldest daughter)- yes all her daughters' names begin with A. D was hiding near M.

Another picture of our favoritest driver and farmer
Vaca Daddy and Hermano driving the tractor
Vaca Momma and Bug with the horse.
Momma and Bug with the horse. I love horses and Bug really seemed to like them too

So that is the recap- what you didn't see is that all 4 boys ran through the house playing together after dinner. It was total noise, but great to see. I think they had a great time.
Love and hugs to you,

Friday, September 19, 2008


After 23 months and 3 weeks in PGN- Little miss Azucen@ is out of PGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are coming home for the holidays

Erin and her husband have been living in Antigua, fostering through this process - AMAZING.

I hope they are out celebrating tonight.

Erin's blog is in my blog list under the first heading on the right hand side

Love and hugs to everyone tonight,

Thursday, September 18, 2008

some more on normalacy

I am still thinking about this and I still have not had my fountain diet coke form MickeyD's (the folks on adoption.com probably understand).

My own normal has really taken a hit since Bug came home. what was normal before the adoption process no longer exists for me- job, lifestyle, etc. What became normal for me during the process disappeared in one moment in Guatemala when I went to bring Bug home.
Waiting has it's own pattern of normal- of waiting and hoping daily, hourly that the phone will ring with the call, of being disappointed again at the end of each day when the call does not come. The normal changes through the wait if you have a long wait (or at least it did for me). At first I was patient, then I became upset during the wait, then I was resigned and finally I was without hope that the adoption would ever finalize. I went from putting my life on hold while I waited to making plans as if Bug was never going to be there. Normal was planning on how to deal with another holiday without him, planning on what to send in the next package and when to to send it.
Once he came home, normal was struggling as a new parent- letting go of the dream life I envisioned (fantasy land) and realizing that our bonding was going to be longer and harder than I anticipated. Then that was changed when my brother moved. Suddenly it was a new normal and an attempt to find normal for the 3 of us. Then he moved (with some prodding) and again Bug and I found ourselves working on normal again, then my work load hit and normal went out the window. now here Bug and I are, still trying to find normal and some days we are close and some days we are at normal and other days we are so far off the mark it scares me.
But, the more I reflect, the more I think this is true for most families. Things happen in life and what was the normal can no longer be normal- a new baby, a job change, a death in the family, a natural disaster hits.
what matters is how we deal with the change to normal. right now, i am not open to change in our lives because we have no real point of reference, we are not standing on solid ground as a family (so to speak). I think until we are feeling more solid as family, any change to routine is hard for Bug and I to deal with. I do speak for Bug in this, he is cautious, he is timid in new situations, he is anxious if I am away from him- all signs of his need to be continually in an attachment parenting bond with me. With all the recent changes, he is back to sleeping in my bed, my goal is to try to have him sleep in his bed on Saturday night, but it might be a few more weeks before he sleeps in his bed again.

I really can't say how much change to normal Bug and I can take, but I recognize when we step over the line and we have gone too far. One too many changes and we are struggling. so the goal this fall is to get us back on routine that provides structure for us both, a schedule that will get us through to next summer. At that point I will reevaluate what we need as a family.
Somewhere is our "normal" and I think it is hidden inside a routine.

Love and hugs to you,

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Normalacy- where are you???

I think Bug and I are trying to find our "normal" - in the last 2 weeks, we have had precious little normal time.

It struck me this week as I we dealt with this aftermath of Hurricane Ike, just how much we are creatures of habit, of our normal.
Sunday was lovely with Bug and I hanging out at the house, playing on the floor. But when it came to dinner, Bug and I were both at a loss. Typically I cook a hot meal, but without a heating source and thawed meat, we were stuck. Bedtime was early for both of us and unsettling to Bug. We have had the AC on for the last few months and with the windows open, he heard the crickets and other bugs. He was unsettled by this noise. The silence on Sunday and Monday was incrediable, without the hum of electricity, there is lots to listen too, but voices carry at night (hello neighbors next door).
Monday was an exercise in trying to find things to entertain/occupay a toddler. Raking leaves, walking through the neighborhood helped pass the time. But meals were the same thing over and over and Bug was not eating peanut butter no matter how hungry he was. He wanted his life back to normal, back to his routinue. It was hard to watch his struggle and it still is. The noises from outside at night scared him, too much that was new or out of context for him. When the power came back on Monday afternoon, he was relieved, but he still was overwhelmed.

I was struck by how much I started stressing about gas for my car, for our food choices. Normal is not having to worry about these things, theya re always there when I want them.
When I went to the grocery store on Tuesday, I was amazed at empty shelves. Like I expected the shelves to be magically full of food again.
I remember thinking this morning as I dropped Bug off, I just want a fountain diet coke from MickeyD's. then everything will be back to normal. But MickeyD's was not serving this morning and so I spent the day thinking about that want. What did a diet coke have to do with being back to norma?- but it hit me tonight, having a diet coke in the morning is part of my routinue and without the routinue, I am not in my normal place in my life. So tomorrow, maybe I can get a diet coke and all will be normal in my life.

But, as much as I know that my life will return to normal, I also realize that there are folks in TX who have no idea when their normal will return, or if it will ever return. Folks who may come home to thier house and will find it gone along with all their possessions. Folks, who lost loves ones and who might never know where their loves one are due to flooding. We all want normal and we all have a rountinue to our lives and when something happens that upsets our normal, it takes a long time to find normal again or to develop a new normal.

So Bug and I are trying to find our normal again- maybe we'll find it soon. we hope and pray that if you are struggleing with your normal, that you find it soon too.

Love and hugs to you,

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The rest of our weekend

Saturday was busy day for us

In the evening, we ventured over to Hermano's house for his birthday celebration. He and Bug played- YEAHHHHHH. Last time they had moments of jealousy and they pretty much annoyed each other, but this time, they played together.

Here is Vaca Daddy, Hemano, and Vaca Momma. After the cake was eaten by all and we were sitting talking, 2 little imps discovered that they could reach the cakes and get the icing!!! Oh they were in 7th heaven over this
Hermano got a barn and farm animals for his birthday- it was too cool. I am thinking Bug needs a farm set for Christmas- not like this one, but something he can play with. We'll have to see. And yes, I am thinking of Christmas presents already.
Here is a close up of the barn- just like a doll house, only for boys (and girls too, but really manly)
Bug, of course, found his way to the swings. it was hotter than hades and very humid, so he got about 10 minutes outside before Momma took him back inside.
Friday night, E and her daughter, E arrived (the E2 family). Saturday morning, while momma E was showering, I took the kids out for a walk. Little E had a fire truck dog and so Bug had to carry his on the walk

Sitting with their dogs on the porch swing after our walk
A break through for Bug, he actually encouraged E to ride the tractor and he was happy that she rode it- sharing!!!! Of course, he was not happy when e asked to ride the car.
Frozen yogurt cones after shopping
yes, we went shopping here.
Momma E had some insightful words while we shopped, she realized that as of next month, we have been friends for 30 years!!! We met when we were in 7th grade. Man, where has the time gone????
Love and hugs to you,

Monday, September 15, 2008

Hurricane Ike--in the Midwest!!!!!!

The pictures are out of order, but this is the timeline:
Hurricane Ike came ashore early Saturday morning in Texas, it quickly moved up the Mississippi Valley, it linked up with a nice little cold front and roared through our area on Sunday. By noon, we were under a high wind advisory (nothing to worry about I though), Bug and I laid down for our nap at 1 pm, with the football game going on the TV. At 2:15 the power went out and the winds had picked up. I watched trees bending, heard loud cracks from outside and prayed that none of the trees behind my house or to the side would fall on us.

At 5 pm, we could finally go outside to see the damage. At first it did not look too bad, a few branches down, then I saw the siding peel back on the house across the street, saw the roof fanned back on the house next door to us and I realized it was not good. The police office across the street told me that power would not be back on for up to 2 days, then my mom called and said it was being reported it would be 3-4 days and 1/2 million people were without power.

This is Monday, I am keeping Bug busy. I was raking up the leaves and small branches in our yard, he was shoveling them ( we don't have a kids sized rake) More shoveling and as Bug said "he was breaking up the sticks"
Mowing the lawn after raking
More mowing
we took a walk this morning to survey the damage- out of my curiosity and an attempt to entertain Bug.

This is the house around the corner

These are the main power lines to the western part of our neighborhood. We are on the eastern part, but these lines are down right in front of our gymnastics friend S's house. I am worried about them
More of the damage near S's house- there are 5 main power poles down across the street blocking it.
An uprooted tree around the corner from us
This is the damage that caused our power to be out- the tree split and took down the lines. The power company was out working on this damage while we walked by

how to have potty time when there is no power- candle power
Sunday night entertainment with Bug- trains and Lincoln logs by the patio doors so we had lots of light
Dinner Sunday night- picnic on the back porch- tomatoes, Frito's, and peanut butter on wheat bread and chocolate milk.
More playing
The house across street with the siding stripped off by the wind
We finally got power again after about 24 hours. I was starting to think that we would be leaving the house to go to my parents house. The have a generator. Tonight Bug and I have power and my parents and sister do not. I did not like this last 24 hours- first I need way more batteries in this house and secondly, I need a plan for weather days for us. Tomorrow I will be back at work, but I am not sure what I will do with Bug. I asked my parents if they wanted to come to here, but they are fine at their house. I can't send Aidan to my sister's house- I am not sure I will even drive over there- lights are out every where. My mom offered to watch Bug, and since they have a generator, it could work. I am going to decide in the morning.
Well that was the excitement here. Tomorrow I will post pictures of hermano's birthday from Saturday.
Love and hugs to you,

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


This week, I was traveling for work. So Monday afternoon, this is the view of Bug. He was none too happy that I was leaving, as much as he loves his Mam and Pap Mam and Pap kept him busy though:

Trimming the grass
eating ice cream
helping to hang the wash (he was in charge of the clothes pins)

Riding his bike
More grass trimming
dead=heading the flowers
Getting lots of hugs
Bug had a good time with Mam and Pap, but he still missed me. He gets so overwhelmed when I come home, he is happy to see me, yet he is mad I left, so I end up with a crying toddler and he can not explain why he is crying. Tonight, he is restless and he is clingy, but at the same time, he wants me to know he is mad at me for leaving so he is acting out. I think it is going to be a long weekend.
Well, I am off to sleep
Love to you,

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Celebrating 3rd birthday with friends

This afternoon, we headed over to the park to have a playdate with our friends, N, D and Y and their mommas. WE met up at 3:30 and the kids played until 4 something and then we had cupcakes and apple juice. So let's start the picture parade there.

Bug- with his chocolate mustache

And chocolate hands
Y with her chocolate full beard and mustache 9too cute).
D having his cupcake too.
I did nto get a picture of N eating cupcakes, but here he is on the slide.
D enjoying the playscape

Y getting hi 5's from her Momma
Bug and N on the slide.
Bug "saving" Y from falling- at least that is what he thought, she just wanted down
After cupcakes, I brought out the soccer ball. N and Bug playing.

practicing being a goalie and D decided to come play too
N and Bug decided that Rugby was better, that way they could fight over the ball- neither was going to let go. Unfortunately, N is only 22 months old and Bug is now 3, so bug tore the ball away from N- sharing is still not a strong suit for Bug
Playing with D (D is about 14 months