June 2007- Bug was:
34 inches tall
March 2009- Bug is:
40 inches tall
Then- he was 21.5 months old
Now - he is 43 months old
Then- he had been home 1 day
Now- he has been home just as long as he was not (21.5 months)
Those are the stats- so black and white- it makes it seems that there is a break point- but that is not the reality. The reality is, that through this process, a larger family has been knitted together- I can not erase Bug's past (not that I want to), I can not change that he has not always been with me. But, I can embrace his past and make his story OUR story. We have shared the same journey from different perspectives. Some would say that he lost and I gained. But I say we both gained and e both lost something along the journey.
We both gained a family- our little family, me and him, we both gained new family- I gained Mireya, Carlos and the girls, he gained my extended family, I gained his birth mother, he gained her story. We have both lost things- I lost my life as a single, he lost a birth family and that relationship (although hopefully not forever).
As I think back to my emotions on 01Jun2007- I never thought we would be standing at this point- it seemed so far away. Now I see the journey that started with an application still stretches before us- we have had bumps in the road, we have been side tracked by drama- but our journey is really just starting.
I am closing this blog and starting a new one. This one is too wrapped up in the negative emotions and the early struggle as a new parent. I am ready to leave the negativity behind- I am ready to leave the lies and deception behind. In the end, I know they existed, Bug will know they existed, but I hold on to them and pass them to Bug, then the cycle is not broken. It is time to walk in the SONshine of my life, to say good bye to the clouds of darkness and pain. It is time to focus on who I need want to be and the man I want Bug to grow up to be.
Please join us on Monday 16Mar2009 at our new blog:
Love and hugs,
Friday, March 13, 2009
June 2007- Bug was:
Posted by Deb at 9:19 PM
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Yesterday was an exciting day in the neighborhood. And not in a good way.
Remember, I work from home, I sit in my office, right next to the window. Yesterday was a gorgeous day- I had the windows open, letting in the fresh air. Lots of meetings and lots of heads down work on the computer.
About 2:30 pm- I hear the teenagers coming through the neighborhood. They walk through every day- right up the middle of the street- like cars are supposed to move for them instead of walking on the sidewalk (a topic for another day). I heard a noise- a crash or bang. I looked out the window and saw the neighbors very large trash can in the road and figured that was what I heard and I went back to work and my phone call.
My meetings ran late- until 5 pm and as I was finishing up the last call and getting my shoes on to go get Bug, the front door bell rang. It was Tony from next door. Apparently, the noise I heard was their front door being kicked in!!!! Of course I gave my statement to the police officer. I felt so bad, I was so wrapped up in my work, that I failed to look up when I heard the kids come through- so I have no idea which kids it was walking through the neighborhood- I could not give descriptions or anything other than "I heard voices". I feel bad because I did not investigate the noise I heard. But to be honest, with how windy it was yesterday and empty garbage cans being blown down and rolling down the street, I think I still would have assumed it was the can being blown over.
Everyone thinks it was kids, only a jar of loose change was taken- not the electronics, not the jewelry, not all the other stuff laying around- just the money jar.
It is quite unnerving though- to know I was home and someone broke in. I have checked from outside my house- someone outside can not see me in my office. This worries me. It also gives me more reason not to put my office down in the basement eventually. At least if I am upstairs I can easily see someone attempting to get in my house- being in the basement, I would feel trapped because the stairs would be between me and the door if someone came down the stairs.
Os things to think about. I am very grateful that no one was home next door- they have a little girl who is 9 months old.
Love to you,
Posted by Deb at 9:00 PM
Monday, March 9, 2009
This is one cool umbrella stroller. It is a shame I did not look for it before our trip to Guatemala- although Bug probably would not have sat in it then. Hopefully he will like it enough at Disney, becuase there is no way I can carry him through the park at the end of the day- or whenever he decides he has had enough.
Love to you,
Posted by Deb at 9:00 PM
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I forgot to bring my camera- so no pictures.
we headed over to Grandpa Joe's today. He is going to be 88 this month, but we will miss his birthday due to traveling to Michigan to visit friends.(providing the weather is good).
Grandpa Joe pulled out his 8th grade literature workbook. I was struck by how well his handwriting was at age 13 years old- it is incredibly precise and very easy to read- nothing like kids today or heck kids in my day. He was remarking that the workbook was written 75 years ago!!!!! That sort of puts it all into perspective- 3/4 of a century ago, my grandfather wrote those word. Amazing.
Bug and I played outside at the park- we discovered the other end of the park near Grandpa's house. Bug was disappointed that the kids there did not want to play with him, but he had fun. He also got to hold the leash for Grandpa's dog, Cyber. Mam goes over once a week to give Cyber his insulin shot- actually someone goes over every day to give Cyber a shot, Mam just has to once. we go every so often- Bug gets bored in Grandpa's small apartment and there are so many things that he can not touch at Grandpa's. Additionally, Cyber is rescue dog and was very badly abused by older children before Grandpa took him in, so he does not trust kids at all. Since Bug is used to Ginger and Izzy, Laura's dog, it is hard for him to understand why he can not touch Cyber's toys. So we go over when the weather is good and when Bug is in a good mood. We talk to Grandpa Joe for about 15 minutes, then Bug and I head outside to play. Sometimes we play right outside the apartment, so Grandpa, Mam and Pap can watch us, and sometimes we head across the street to the park. I can't imagine that we will have many more years with Grandpa Joe, so going over is a trip down memory lane.
Grandpa talked about dating my grandmother- she died 12 years ago, he talked about how he and grandma dated for 3 years, how they hung out before school and at lunch on the corner in front of the school. he talked about how they were one of 3 couples who dated all through school.
They had 55 years together before Grandma passed due to Alzheimer's. What a wonderful life they had together.
Before we headed over to Grandpa Joe's, Bug and did some work around the house- laundry. The weather was so nice, I was able to hang out the laundry- it was great. I opened the windows in the house and let in the fresh air. We washed the car, we hung out. It was great.
it was a good day.
Love to you,
Posted by Deb at 10:18 PM
Friday, March 6, 2009
This was heard from Bug today - admittedly, he has said it before:
"What do I call my momma? My friend"
"I am sad the girls (Susi, Karla, Nigua) can not visit"- which was said just after brushing our teeth this morning and when I said that I know it was hard for him to be away from the girl- he burst into wailing and crying. He is clearly working on processing emotions again and all I can do is hold him and tell him that the girls love him and we will see them again. We are also going to call them next weekend, but I might have to call unexpectedly this week to help Bug through this processing.
We are going to print out some more pictures tomorrow to hang up in his room (maybe that will encourage him to sleep in his bed).
On to the fire drill:
we went to the pool tonight- first time since before Christmas. We were in the water for about 5 minutes when the fire alarms in the building started going off. A few kids mentioned that the alarms had gone off 2 other times before this- I thought they were talking about this week, but apparently the alarm was going off every 45 minutes. We had to leave the building- of course if there had been a fire or emergency, we would have all been killed because we huddled right by the door- wrapped in towels (those of us from the pool). Of course the staff let us know on the way out that there was nothing going on except the alarms and we would be back inside in 5 minutes.
Sure enough, we were back inside in 5 minutes. I would really like to thank God for the warmer weather today- because standing outside soaking wet in 65 degree weather was OK, but if it had been freezing, then we would have had problems.
Once back in, Bug and I splashed around for another 45 minutes (no additional fire alarms went off). Bug was nearly asleep by the time we got home - YEAHHHH the plan worked to wear him out.
I managed to finish up a video while were swimming, so I have to get that printed tomorrow so it is ready for the package to Guatemala. It shows Bug form before Christmas at swim lessons (crying his eyes out because his mean momma was trying to make him swim with the teacher), some fun swimming before Christmas and now about 15 minutes of video him playing tonight. Should be a good viewing when Bug one has kids and complains about his kids screaming about having to swim with a teacher.
Oh well, enough living in the future. I am off to finish up my Friday night TV watching- BattleStar Galactic will be on soon.
Love to you,
Posted by Deb at 9:07 PM
Thursday, March 5, 2009
seal riding again this year- he is able to just throw his leg over the seal and get on- no climbing and needing help
So big, so much a little boy.
Close up of the Lighting McQueen mud boots. He loves them. Apparently, I bought them a little too big, as he runs right out of them. But given that he outgrew all his shoes bought this time last year by the July- I am thinking that bigger is better.
Bug's picture of Momma watching him play.
Posted by Deb at 8:21 PM
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Bug has continued his discussion from yesterday about living in a blue house- only he is now expanding on this.
He lived in a blue house, with a little crib when he was a baby. Uncle Dave lived there too. They drove a blue car and had a blue garage.
I think I know what he is processing. When we went back to Guatemala and had the pleasure of visiting Popi and the family at their house, the room Bug slept in (in the crib) was blue. I am not sure if it was blue when he was there, but it is blue now. he could be combining his memories of the house with our family and making his place in the family. In part to assure himself that he is part of the family and in part to put words around what he is remembering and feeling.
Clearly he is viewing the blue house as a happy place and clearly he identified with the male in the house- Popi.
I asked Bug this morning, if he thought the blue house was where he lived with Popi, Mireya and the girls. His response was " I like the girls". So I am not sure he is ready to have the difference pointed out. But I will keep asking him and listening to the stories of when he was a baby, living in the blue house and sleeping in the crib.
I should have asked to take pictures inside the house while we visited. I did not want to seem ungrateful or crass by walking around and taking pictures- I was so excited to be in the house, to see where Bug lived, it actually slipped my mind. I know I got pictures of Bug in the girl's room. Perhaps we will have the opportunity to go back to the house on our next trip and I will ask if it is OK to take pictures of the rooms.
I am off to bed- the whole prepping for the time change still. Bug is doing incredibly well with me moving his bedtime back and waking him up earlier. I am taking him to park tomorrow to wear him out before bed tomorrow since tomorrow night he will go to bed 45 minutes early. That puts us 15 minutes off the new time on Saturday night. I am hoping that between Auntie Lulu taking him outside tomorrow and me taking him to the park int eh evening, that he falls asleep before we get home.
Love and hugs,
Posted by Deb at 9:35 PM
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Dichotomy- a noun meaning
division into two parts, kinds, etc.; subdivision into halves or pairs.
division into two mutually exclusive, opposed, or contradictory groups: a dichotomy between thought and action.
That is what my day was like- a dichotomy, 2 distinct parts that contradicted each other.
At work this morning, I sent an email off to a colleague that I worked last fall. The project she and I were assigned to was stopped by the client and that ended our working relationship as we were both assigned to other teams. But today I had a follow up question for her. When the email bounced back saying that her address was not found, I assumed that she was no longer working at our company and I emailed the next person above her. JM called me on the phone to give me the news, the colleague BC, had died in a skiing accident on 01Jan. The floor just dropped away from me. I could not believe it. BC and I did not know each long, but we had a common bond outside of the project we were assigned to. She and I are the same age, we both were new mothers. In the time we were together at face to face meetings, we shared pictures, talked about our boys and talked about the balance of being new moms. I can't believe that she is gone.
she died while I was in Guatemala and the announcement on the company site (BC had worked in multiple offices) had fallen off the homepage by the time I got back into the office on 12Jan. I could not stop thinking about her and her little boy all day. I hope that he knows how much his momma loved him and cherished him. I hope her husband knows how much she loved him. I hope they time on that last day to say "I love you" when everyone was happy and healthy, before the accident took her life.
I picked up Bug tonight, still reeling from the news this morning. We had to drive passed the apartments that we lived in when I was 12-16 years old. I as telling Bug that I lived there with Mam, Lulu and Uncle Dave, before Mam and Pap got married. Then we drive passed the school that I attended while living at the apartment. Bug informed me that he used to live in the apartment with Uncle Dave and he and Uncle Dave went to that school. They apparently had a dog and later lived in a blue house. He also shopped at used car lot with Uncle Dave, but he (Bug) did not buy a car, he only looked at them.
Bug was quite serious about all of this information, so I listened intently while I busting out laughing on the inside. Bug does not miss a thing anyone says. He is one smart boy.
After the library, we had a quiet night at home, we watched a Sesame Street video that he picked out, we read all the books from the library, and we read another chapter in "My side of the mountain". I kept him close tonight, hugging a little tighter, cuddling a little more. I hope Bug knows how much I love and cherish him. I hope he never has to wonder.
I decided that I am going to give Bug the camera more frequently so he can take pictures of me doing things, so there is always pictures of me for him to go back too should anything ever happen to me.
Love and hugs,
Posted by Deb at 8:14 PM
Monday, March 2, 2009
Bug is sick again- nothing serious yet, but his nose is draining and he is coughing. I am hoping to keep him well for the next few days so that the warmer weather can help him out. By Wednesday the weather will be 20 degrees warmer then today's weather, by the weekend, it will be 40 degrees warmer.
Please pray for Bug- he needs a break from these sinus infections that turn into ear infections.
I will say though, he should have enough reserves to keep fighting- Little man has been stuffing food into his body like there is no tomorrow. An example- usually Bug will eat 2.5 chicken nuggets at McDonald's, but last week he ate 8!!!!!!! chicken nuggets and asked for more. I think he storing up for a growth spurt-YIKES.
I am off to bed- we are preparing for the time change this weekend- I moved Bedtime up 15 minutes and wake up time the same amount- tomorrow, I will move everything another 15 minutes. By Saturday night, we should be within 15 minutes of the new time. Hopefully that will allow us to not have issues next week.
I hate the time change- really I hate it.
Love to you,
Posted by Deb at 8:32 PM
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Today we ventured out to the Home and Garden Show- AKA "the unofficial start to Spring" at our house.
Typically, Mam and I get through the show in about 1.5 hours. With Bug being the interactive toddler/little boy that he is, today's trip took 3 hours!!!!
Bug thoroughly enjoyed the show- the tractors to test, the building equipment to test and the playground/swing sets to test- not to mention the Fountains AKA "water features" to sample
I would really like to buy Bug one of these swing sets/ adventure sets for Bug, but this one was $2500.00!!!!!! While I like it, I don't like it that much. I think we will be getting a metal swing set instead.
This was the only disappointing thing in the show- the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle was off limits- behind a chain. Bug was not pleased- he was actually quite upset and refused to speak to anyone until he got to the playsets.
Posted by Deb at 7:41 PM
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tonight T and Y came over to have dinner and play. We have not seen them since before Christmas- life has been busy for us all. Y turns 3 in 2 months and boy has she grown up- they were having fun driving together.
Pretending sleeping on the couch.
Growing up. We played outside before they arrived. actually Bug played and I grilled steak for dinner. YUMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Bug decided that playing in the wagon was fun- he really wanted me to pull him around. He got 15 minutes of being pulled around, 15 minutes of being swung around and then Y arrived.
It was a good evening. I am looking forward to the days getting longer so we have time to play outside before bed. I am also looking forward to warmer weather so we can be outside.
Posted by Deb at 8:21 PM
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Some cute pictures from this week- Picture 1- drumming. He was going to town drumming for me. Of course when i joined in, I was promptly told to STOP MOMMABack in overalls. Little boys in overalls are the cutest thing. These are size 4/5- yes, not 4T or 5T- but 4/5's. They are a little long, but not by much. He wants to wear them again tomorrow- that would be 3 days in a row. Clearly, potty training is done at our house, because there is no way he could have worn these while we were potty training.
ON TO THE POLL- see the top of the right hand side bar to vote.
I am participating in a quilt swap- I have to send out 8x8 inch squares of fabric with a wish to other participants. This swap is countries and the fabric below is for Ethiopia.
The fabric is usable on both sides- which allows the receiver to pick, but the wish has to include a piece of the fabric adhered to the wish. So, help me decide- the muted side or the side with the gold design on top of the print- I have provided 2 views of each fabric
Choice A: close up of the gold design on top of the print design
Posted by Deb at 8:54 PM
Monday, February 23, 2009
Bug was wandering around this evening muttering "she-she...." When I finally broke down and asked him what he was saying and where he herd it, he replied "Ni hoa Ki-lan". Yep, 3 episodes of this kids how and the little man is saying phrases of Chinese.
yes, he is- "she, she..." is repeated multiple times during the show. I am not sure if it is the word for grandfather or the word for thank you. heck I could be totally wrong on all accounts. I can't figure out the meaning because the character never translate - unlike Dora and Diego where 99% of the Spanish words/phrases are translated by the main character- Ki-lan does not translate her chines words on a regular basis. So I am lost trying to figure out the words.
Also heard tonight form Bug "time to let go"- a phrase from Nemo- Bug's new favorite movie.
It worries me what will come out of his mouth after we had movie afternoon on Sunday. I decided that I wanted to watch a DVD I have had since November/December- Prince Caspian. I should have watched it in the evening rather than during the afternoon when Bug was awake. I had to "explain" a few things and hide Bug's eyes a few times. Overall, I was disappointed with the movie. I need to get the books again (I gave them to a friend for her son about 4 years ago) and read the books to Bug.
Love to you,
Posted by Deb at 9:12 PM
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Before we get to the pictures of our play time with friends tonight- here is a flash back to just over 2 years ago.
Yep, Bug got a scooter. I confess when I first saw this picture, my heart stopped. I was screaming in side "he is too little, he is just a baby". But, I knew that Popi, Mireya and the girls would keep him safe. Look how tiny he is, such a little boy. Fast forward- 2 years, 1 week and a different country to this!!!
J on the floor, Bug running up to him and B following. See the height difference??
Posted by Deb at 9:24 PM