Thursday, March 5, 2009

Playing at the park and dreams- long

The weather was great today- so after work, Bug and I headed to the park. It is amazing to watch him and to see the confidence he has now. It is amazing to see him growing and reaching out and experiencing everything. Such a huge change from last year.

2 years ago when Bug came home, he climbed this playset, no issues. then last year, he refused, too scared to try it again. But tonight, no fear!!!

This slide ought to bring back memories for Vaca momma and Vaca Daddy. Hermano took off for this slide one night when we met up and I cheered him on, by the time daddy reached him, he was at the top of the slide. bug stood back and watched and told me he was not going on that slide. But, tonight, he climbed to the top- that is him up there- and he went down the slide over and over.

Coming down- not a dramatic as Hermano, but still funny. This was on the last time down and Bug was feeling comfortable enough to let me step away from the slide to take the picture.

Climbing up to the top

Nearly there

Some random kids from the park on the slide, to give perspective of how many kids fit on the ladder

seal riding again this year- he is able to just throw his leg over the seal and get on- no climbing and needing help

So big, so much a little boy.

He was climbing back into the slide here. I love the expression on his face- just a look of enjoyment and contentment

Close up of the Lighting McQueen mud boots. He loves them. Apparently, I bought them a little too big, as he runs right out of them. But given that he outgrew all his shoes bought this time last year by the July- I am thinking that bigger is better.

Bug's picture of Momma watching him play.


Sunday, we had a guest speaker at our church. The speaker was the Czech Republic and he spoke about how God is a God of dreams. He used the story of Joseph as he text, but challenged us to articulate our dreams. he talked about Martin Luther King's speech "I have a Dream" and then challenged us to dream big dreams because God is a God who dreams big. So many times we let go of our dreams and settle for something, because we forget that God has big dreams and big plans for us.

At the end of the service, the speaker challenged us to write the phase "I have a dream of....." and then further down our note page to write this phrase "God's dream for me is....."

My dream has always been to be a wife and a momma. I am so blessed that my dream of being a momma came true. In my dreams, though, I am always a momma to 4 kids and a wife. As Bug and I became a family, I let the dream of being a wife fade away. I figured that it was not the plan for me to be a wife and I accepted that I would be a momma only. I have clung to the dream of being a momma to more than one child- not only for me, but for Bug. But recently I put that dream aside too- figuring it would not happen and I needed to accept my life as it is and to find contentment in the way life has turned out. I am blessed to be a momma, I am blessed to have a job and a job that looks stable through this year, I am blessed to have family close by, I am blessed by friends far and near. My life is good and I needed to stop dreaming and I need to start focusing on here and now.

But then the speaker had me write down my dream and pray that my dream would be part of God's dream. I did and left it at that- just articulating the dream again and praying about it was enough for me to know that my dream was still alive, but I figured that I would be letting go of it again after some more time with God.

Well, I think God decided that my lack of faith needed a little bit of jolt. Today, I received a call from my local Jobs and Family services department. As licensed adoptive parent in my county with an active home study- would I consider being placed in committee for 2 little sisters, age 2 (10 months apart). For those of you who don't know what committee is- up to 10 families are brought to committee- whose criteria on paper match the potential family needs for the children. The committee reviews all the applications, listens to the social workers, etc and then determines which family should be matched with the children. And, the committee can decide that no family presented meets the needs of children and then other families would be sought out and another committee would be held. So even though I was called, there was no guarantee that I would be matched with the girls. And for various reasons, I know there will no shortage of families for the county to bring to the committee. In my heart, I so wanted to say YES- YES, please send my file to the committee, but my head knew I had to say NO.

Having 3 kids 18 months apart- Bug is 8 months older then the older girl and 18 months older than the younger, is not realistic for me. I worry that Bug and I have just reached a period of calm again and bringing in 2 younger children would throw off and potential regress Bug - which is not unexpected with any shift in our family dynamics. I worried that the stresses I have had with learning to be a parent would come up again, only this time, I would have 3 kids, 3 separate stresses on my parenting and that I could not handle it. I should state that it would be instantaneous that they would have been placed with me or any family after the committee- it is a 6 month process of visiting, getting to know each other, over night visits, weekend visits and then finally a full transition into their forever family. And then there is 6 month period before the adoptions could be finalized.

Then I realized, my head knew the answer and so did my heart. My heart recognized that this was a sign that I should not give up dream- because I have been a licensed adoptive parent since before I had Bug's referral- before I even completed all the paperwork for Bug's adoption. In all that time- I have never been contacted about a potential match. Being contacted now, was a sign that while I thought the door had closed, in fact, the door is still open. I can still be a wife and momma. i can still have my entire dream- I don't have to settle.

So, I did tell the social worker that I felt it was NOT the right time or the right fit for my family right now. I also wanted to be honest - the little girls are waiting for a family that is excited about them- that is dreaming about them- that is praying for their dream to come true. Those little girls deserve every family that is present at committee to be coming to the committee with the hope of being matched. I dream that one day the right call will come for me and Bug or that the right man comes into my life and we can build a family together. I dream big dreams.

So for those 2 little girls- we are praying for you- praying that your forever family is quickly identified, that you are bonded together, knitted together as a family by loving hands of a loving father who has big dreams for you, bigger dreams then you can imagine. I pray for the transitions that you will go through in the next months- the loss you will go through, the pain and the heartache of your foster family- I pray that God's peace and grace cover you and that you will know that you are loved, have been loved and will always be loved.

What dreams do you have????

Love and hugs,


1 comment:

Vanessa said...

Deb, Where did you find those boots? My little Olivia LOVES Lightning Mc Queen!!