A different kind of FFF

Friday, 30Nov2007, it is the 6th month anniversary of coming home with Little Bug.

People told me that the days would fly by- they were right; people told me that the days would drag by- they were right; people told me I would forget all the pain of the waiting- they were wrong, that is still with me and is there each day.

But this post is not about the wait or the pain or the sadness or that I cry for friends who were in process before me and with me, who are still waiting for their homecoming day.

No this post is about 6 months of living my dream of being a momma. This is about the truth, that one smile, one look can take you in, that love is a gift and that love is overwhelming. This is about the changes in one little boy and one momma- but mostly about one little boy.

This is our embassy day photo. I am worn out and Little Bug is in shock- this picture is hard to look at and to realize all the grieving that was yet to come. But it is the start of our journey as a family. One of us should have come to this day with joy (me) and one did come grieving (Little Bug) and 2 other families are there in the shadows mourning their loss (Little Bug's first family and his birth family). I came to this day with my emotions pushed down- too many disappointments, too many times my hopes were shattered, too many delays and lies. So what should have been a wonderful day, was just a day filled with dread that something more would go wrong, that my dream would be snatched away at the last second and I would be left shattered.

This is our picture from the airport in Guatemala on Friday 01Jun2007- still one shocked Little Bug and one momma who has no clue what is to come. Still I am thinking that something will go wrong, that Little Bug will not be allowed into the US, that our plane will crash, that maybe I had made a mistake (horrid thoughts I know, but they were there).
July 2007- a happy Little Bug- eating peas and loving life. Momma is still working on getting it right - because there has to be a formula, right?
August 2007- not a birthday picture- but a picture where I see both of us relaxing more with each other and learning to trust. This is the real beginning for me or accepting that things will not go wrong, that we are a family and that this dream is going to be a wonderful reality.
September 2007- the light is breaking through (I love this picture because of how we are bathed in the light. God is watching over us both. Little Bug is showing more of who he is and I am showing more of who I am and we are really connecting. Family is there- we are not just 2 people in a house.
October 2007- Little Bug is coming more into his personality. Quite challenging at times, but certainly a joy- even when I am complaining about him waking up at 4:30 am, 4:50 am, 5:30 am, 6 am. I know his moods- I see his thoughts, I see the influences I have and I see the influences his first family has.

November 2007- Just being his wild self in the morning. More and more, it is about us- less and less my thoughts turn to "how would Little Bug's first family deal with this". I feel comfortable - really comfortable as a parent. I still question things- but I am a first time parent. But more and more I rely on my instinct when faced with new situations for us. More and more I am carving out our family rituals and traditions, making us a family.

And finally- not a picture from December- but a picture from tonight, the eve of 6 months home as a family. Having a great time playing with Momma. Still there are struggles- an over tired toddler and an over tired momma are not a good mix. But we get through it and we both love each other.

We have come along way since that Friday in June and we have along way to go. I can say, being a single mom is hard work and even so, I would not change this for anything. My life has a purpose and a focus that was lacking before Little Bug came into my life. We are a family: small, not all knitted together yet, but a family.

i doubted God's plan, his timing, his purpose for me through the years and the adoption, but I don't doubt now. His plan was perfect, his timing was perfect- the pain was part of it and will always be a part of it. But God has used the pain, the waiting and the struggle for his glory. Little Bug and I are doing our part for God's Glory.

Thank you for reading our story and encouraging me to be a better momma.

Love to you,

Deb AKA Momma Bug