FFF- haven't done this is a while

yep- the referral pictures are back- they remain some of my favorite pictures of Bug- so small, so inquisitive, so ready to see the world.

I saw these pictures in March 2006, never realizing that it would over a year later before Bug and I would be a family.

Things have not been as I imagined they would be or how I planned them- but I know that is because they are my plans, not the master's plan. His plan is perfect, my plan is flawed, his plan is timeless, my plan is limited by time. I forget that his plan is always so much better then anything I can imagine or plan for.

I planned for a family at 26, I became a family at 41. I planned for 4 children, I have 1. I planned for husband, I have none. I have tried over the last year to expand my family, but I realize that the time is not right, too many misgivings, too many obstacles coming up that are pointing me to rest, to wait, to be content where I am. And I am ready to rest, ready to just be. I am tired of pushing forward, of always being on the edge of something new- I need to rest in this time and this place. I need to relax and enjoy this time that will never come again. Bug needs me now, he needs me more than I realized, he needs his momma living in the here and now, in the moment, not living for the future.

So away with my flawed plans, away with my trying to build something more- because right now is all I have and it is all Bug has- we can not live in the hopes the tomorrow will better, I have to work on making today better.

it is hard to give up my tomorrow for just today- but today is what Bug and I need. Yesterday is behind us, today is here and tomorrow might never come. Each day is blessing, each moment is a blessing. I will still plan for Bug and I- but I am letting go of my plan for larger family, my plan for Bug not to be an only child.

Bug needs everything I have right now, he needs me to focus on his needs- I think I finally understand what it means to "die to myself.." because being a parent means dying to what you want and replacing it with what your child needs.

I know this was long and I may not have articulated everything exactly perfect- but the bottom line is that Bug needs me now- he needs me to be laving in this moment, this day- not looking to the future.

I may need reminding, I may attempt to plan again, but I pray that I am always in the moment with with Bug and our life reflects our family as it is, not as I plan it to be.

Love and hugs to you,

Deb