I have struggled with what to write on this blog since I set it up. My primary purpose for this blog was to keep Little Bug's loving first family informed as he grows up, but at the same time, I realize that other families are reading, so the balance of what my feeling are have been there too. But, I have censored things because I know that English is not Carlos, Mireya, Susy, Karla and Andrea's first language and things get lost in translation.
Julia (McKenzie Crew) has challenged us all to be real with our blogs this year. I am going to take the challenge. I apologize to Carlos, Mireya, and family if my words don't translate correctly, my underlying theme is how much I love Little Bug and how blessed I am to be his momma. No matter what I write, that is the truth and the fabric that holds our family together.
So, what is the reality right now. We are doing so much better than we were last week or the week before. Parenting a toddler is hard work and being a first time parent to a toddler is way hard. We had some seriously bad days: Little Bug screaming at me, hitting me, pinching me, fighting with me all day and me screaming right back at him. Certainly not the vision I had for us as a family and not the way I want to parent. I knew there had to be a better way to parent but I did not know where to go or what to do. So I reacted to him out of my own childhood and my own frustrations. Things reached a boiling point over the weekend of Dec 31. At that point I gave up, I decided that I had made mistake and all I wanted was my single life back- my life where I could sleep in, where I could go out and do things when I wanted, where I could have 5 minutes to myself. I had a breakdown and it was not pretty. I can say the breaking point came on Sunday morning in church when Little Bug disagreed with me on staying in the pew at church and he hauled off and hit me in the eye. I broke down crying, knowing that I could not hit him back nor could I control him.
Someone from church noticed and they called me the next day just to let me know that they knew how hard it must be for me, they were praying and they were going to contact a friend to see if there were some resources for me. I broke down again, in a church of about 400 people, 1 person listen to God's prompting and picked up the phone to call me, to reach out. Just the call alone meant so much to me.
She called back with info for me and I, in the mean time, called my social worker. I was scared to let her know that I was failing as a parent, but I knew she would help. She called me back late last week and she immediately understood the issue- I needed a break. Now you all might say, she works from home, Little Bug is in daycare- isn't that a break? Well no it is not- my day is all about getting as much work done so I can spend time with Little Bug- he is driving force behind my work life. There is no break from work or momma- there is no one to say to- he is up again tonight, your turn to change the diaper, no one to say, I need a break from the screaming, watch him while I go take a walk to calm down. If I am home and Little Bug is home, i can't even go to the bathroom or take a shower without him being there in the room with me- yes every time, no matter what I am doing, he is there.
So, she recognized that I needed moments to be alone and moments to remember who I was before he came home, moments to refresh my soul and restore my balance. So she told me to get out and do something for me. She also gave me a resource (www.loveandlogic.com)
I went to choir Wednesday night and felt better for the first time in a long time. I went to a Christmas party on Saturday night (yes, my Sunday school class celebrates late). I had a great time. I was just Deb, not Little Bug's momma, just Deb. I got to talk to some wonderful mommas and get some great ideas on how to parent and not revert back to my childhood with Little Bug. I got the support I needed. It helped, it is helping and it will help. I never expected to be a perfect momma, I just want to be a good momma.
I don't want Little Bug to look back at his childhood and remember bad things that his parent did to him, like I remember my bio father doing to me (another story I may or may not share). I want him to have parent who he knows loves him, who he knows worked hard at being a good parent, I want him to remember me the way I remember my mom being when I was younger. She is still a wonderful mom, and I count her as my best friend now, but I remember her as a mom who tried hard, who loved me and who always wanted the best for me and my siblings. I don't remember a mom who screamed at me, or disciplined me for things I did not do (that was my bio father).
Little Bug and I had dinner and nice visit with Hermano and his family last night. Hermano's momma shared with me that she was so happy to hear that I was dealing with the same things she was dealing with- she thought she was the only one going through it too. So, together we are going to tackle toddler behaviors and work on how to channel their emotions, behaviors, etc into better choices.
I will say, what has struck me through the last few weeks is how little parenting skills we are actually taught while in process. I have taken the classes to be a foster parent with the state, I have taken the required training for international adoptions and so much of it is spent teacing parents how to deal with adoption issues, nothing really touches on how to deal with parenting. Nothing really prepares you for 2 hours sleep and a wide awake toddler who is having a meltdown, but the classes should have scenarios, resources to go back to. They should have something that helps you actually parent behaviors that are just normal everyday behaviors. heck they make us prove were good enough to be parents, why can't they give us practial solutions for parenting. That is where we need the help, that is where the adoption stops and life begins.
So, this year is about parenting a toddler and setting him and me up for success in life. We might have rough times, we might have hard times, but I know there are others out there going through the same things and who have gone through it before. I want to learn to be a better momma- please share what works for you.
I will get the first book in the love and logic series on Wednesday, are there other resources you all know about?
Also, anyone have resources for gifted toddlers- I just want to see what is out there and maybe see if there are things I should be doing with Little Bug right now to help him.
My final thought for tonight- my prayers are with every family in process right now. the news that PGN is not processing cases that are kicked out or will not accept new cases was a huge blow. I can't see how that means they will continuing to process in process case as was promised before the holiday season. It hurts to watch families who have been waiting for years (yes there are families who have been waiting for years) to bring home their children now have to deal with this. It is heart breaking for children who are denied the love of a family. Yes, change is needed in the process, but this is not the answer. I am praying for the situation to stabilize and for cases to be processed once again.
Love to you,
Deb AKA Momma Bug
Monday, January 7, 2008
A challenge and update
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6 comments:
Deb –
You’ve done a wonderful job capturing the challenges of parenting a toddler! My children are now 15 and 12. I think the toddler/pre-school years were the most difficult ones as a parent for all the reasons you describe. The good news is that there are effective parenting techniques that can make your life and Little Bug’s life so much happier.
My husband and I found the Love and Logic approach to be fairly easy to implement and really effective. Simple techniques like giving our children choices worked miracles for us. I remember my daughter pitching a fit whenever we wanted to give her a bath. When we changed it into a choice “Would you like to take a bath upstairs or downstairs?” she stopped fighting about whether or not to take a bath because she was so busy trying to make her decision! Toddlers love choices (as do most people!) and when you give choices you can give Little Bug control on your terms since you’re the one deciding what the choices are.
Little Bug does need you to set some limits. It’s never ok for him to hit, pinch or kick you. When he chooses to do this, you can respond with empathy followed by a consequence by saying something like “Oh how sad you decided to hit me. It’s time for a little bedroom time.” You then take him to his bedroom and have him stay there for a few minutes (this part about having him stay there can be a challenge all in itself!). When he hits you at church or any other public place, he also needs a consequence. It could be something like putting him in his car seat for a few minutes while you enjoy a bit of peace and quiet in the church entrance (so you can keep an eye on him in the car but not be inside the car listening to his protesting).
I’m creating an online parenting class that teaches the best parenting techniques I’ve learned and it should be launched by the end of the month. If you’re interested, e-mail me at kathyslat@gmail.com and I’ll let you know when it is ready.
Best Regards,
- Kathy
Thank you for being so honest.
I can say that even in a two parent home we fight these battles. Daddy gets to be the play thing, while Momma does all the rest: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I'm not saying my husband doesn't do anything, but there is definately a slant. He never seems to understand why I might need a break sometimes, even when he doesn't. So thank you. It's reassuring to us when we see someone else sharing the same struggles.
You are a good Momma.....and yes, parenting is hard! Thank you for sharing some resources and your own personal thoughts and challenges. I think sometimes we always want to appear that things are ALWAYS wonderful, when in fact we are all human! Parenting is the hardest job in the world, but certainly also the most rewarding! Hang in there and know you are not alone...and that you are most certainly NOT a failure!
Parenting is the hardest job I have ever had, and parenting a toddler is super-duper tough. It's 24/7, thankless for the most part, and relentless. Just the fact that you are trying so hard shows me how much you care. It gets so much better as they get a little older. The more they can communicate the less they get frustrated. They begin to entertain themselves, and then finally the day comes when you get to go potty without a buddy along!
I'll e-mail you with some ideas for gifted kids and ways to channel their busy minds.
Hugs!
Wendy
Sharing something very beautiful:
FATHER FORGETS
W. Livingston Larned
condensed as in "Readers Digest"
Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek
and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room
alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of
remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.
There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you
were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took
you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your
things on the floor.
At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put
your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started
off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye,
Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!"
Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you,
down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated
you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were
expensive-and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from
a father!
Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with
a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the
interruption, you hesitated at the door. "What is it you want?" I snapped.
You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms
around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God
had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you
were gone, pattering up the stairs.
Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible
sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding
fault, of reprimanding-this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not
love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick
of my own years.
And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart
of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your
spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight,
son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!
It is feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you
during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and
suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient
words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy-a little boy!"
I am afraid I have visualised you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and
weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's
arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much, yet given too little of
myself. Promise me, as I teach you to have the manners of a man, that you will remind
me how to have the loving spirit of a child.
Carlos Pineda y Familia.
Deb,
Thank you so much for sharing the reality of life AFTER the process. My son is not home, yet, but I have been thinking a lot about what happens when he does come home. I have put so much energy into the adoption process that I don't feel prepared for parenting! You are right, with ALL the paperwork and documentation we have to provide to prove we are good people, it means nothing when our little ones get home. I will be reading your blog for tips! This is definitely real and this is what matters. Thank you.
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