A new direction

Doors seem to be closing in my life right now and I have been struggling to hold them open. Today I realized that I just need to let them close.

I talked with mom today about my dad's comments. He did not mean them the way they came out (which I am happy about). he was trying to say that right now I should be focused on Bug and our family, not worrying about building our family. I have been talking classes to be a foster parent and it is time away from Bug for 5 weeks. I started them in August, but realized after one class it was too soon to be away from Bug in the evening. I started back up in April, but even 10 months after coming home, it stresses Bug out to be away from me for longer periods- not that he does not enjoy being with Mam and Pap or Lulu and her family- it just takes time away from us.
Then in the class 2 weeks ago, the county social worker stated that during the home study process, we are not allowed to move any furniture in our house!!! Now the last time I went through the home study process with the county, it took 9 months from my first home study visit until I was licensed. So that would mean that I could not move furniture at Christmas to put up a tree, I could not buy new furniture (already ordered), I could not rearrange Bug's room when I move him to a big boy bed. Does anyone else see the issue with this?
And, once licensed, every bed for the ages I am licensed for must stay up and in place even if there is not child that age in my house- so an empty crib must stay up.
Now, I do not know about anyone elses house, but my house is small ranch, built in the 1950's. I do not have to room to keep a crib, a twin bed and a double bed up at all time. I can keep 2 up at any time, but not all 3 unless I am willing to create fire hazards in one room (which I am not). So at this point, I think the door to be a foster parent (legal risk) is closing. I am still a licensed adoptive parent for the state, and perhaps one day a new family member will join us through that avenue.
My goal right now is to enjoy this time with Bug- he will only be little once, he will only be this age once. Our time and life together is more important than anything right now.
I realized as I prepare for my brother to move out that Bug and I have not really had time to enjoy each other when it is just us. Dave moved in when Bug and I were still struggling to be a family and we have dealt with Dave in our family dynamic for the last 7 months. After Wednesday night, it will be just Bug and I with no 3rd person in the house to add extra stress or schedule to work around, it will be just Bug and I on our own.
I think I am going to like this time with Bug- just us, just our little family.

Of course, we will still Mam and Pap, Lulu and family and uncle Dave, but we will be on our own for the first time since we became a family.

I am looking forward to helping Bug make choices for his big boy room, for planting more gardens, to watching him start gymnastics, going back to swimming lessons and just being together.

UPDATE 9:30pm: the superviosr for the county just called me back, apparently the information that the social worker shared is not true- I can rearrange furniture in the house as I want- but I cna not displace a family memebr for a foster child (duh!!) and I must show the rooms set up to the social worker at a home study visit- not all of them, just one. So that made me feel that the door was still open, but my heart is saying that Bug and I need some time (even though I will no tbe licensed until at least January of 2009). So I am going to pick up the 4 classes I still need in one of the later sessions or 2 and focus this time on Bug. The homestudy process will start in the next month and that is OK- it is going to take 6 months to complete if the county is on the ball, I just can not be licensed until all the classes are done. So, I am walking forward, but knowing that Bug is my concern and priority.

So questions- please respond:
1. I am going to start Bug in gymnastics class at the YMCA. it is the only class he can take at 2-3 and right at 3. Should I put him in the Mommy and me gymnastics class first or just put him in the instructor lead class (where parents sit on the sideline and watch)?
2. Should I put him in another mommy and me swim class- where he and I are in the water together, or put him in the preschool class (4 kids, 1 instructor), again parents on the side line?
3. And finally, after he turns 3 this summer, he is eligible for summer camp (2 hours in the morning or 3 hours in the afternoon). I am thinking about enrolling him in a "Sports of all sorts" week of camp. he would get to play all sorts of sports and be with other kids his own age. The draw back is that this camp is during work hours, so I would not be able to go with him Auntie Lulu says she will take him and stay with him during camp. I am not sure if Bug will be ready for anything that is not momma centered, but I want him to try new things.

I love gymnastics, Bug enjoyed watching some men's gymnastics this weekend- he actually told me "I do that I bigger, momma" which translates to I will do that when I am bigger momma. he has been trying to do forward rolls- somersaults- for the last few weeks. I think he would enjoy the class.
He loves to swim, so anything with water is cool with him, I am just not sure he is ready for swim lessons with just an instructor. I am not sure he will respond to the instructor.

Each class is 45 minutes long, so it would be 90 minutes a week for 8 weeks. I figured no matter what I decide to do, Bug and I would end up swimming together after his classes.

So thoughts on what to do?

Love and hugs to you all,
Deb