Retrospective- How far we have come- a new beginning

June 2007- Bug was:

34 inches tall
24.6 pounds

March 2009- Bug is:
40 inches tall
30.2 pounds


Then- he was 21.5 months old
Now - he is 43 months old


Then- he had been home 1 day
Now- he has been home just as long as he was not (21.5 months)

Those are the stats- so black and white- it makes it seems that there is a break point- but that is not the reality. The reality is, that through this process, a larger family has been knitted together- I can not erase Bug's past (not that I want to), I can not change that he has not always been with me. But, I can embrace his past and make his story OUR story. We have shared the same journey from different perspectives. Some would say that he lost and I gained. But I say we both gained and e both lost something along the journey.


We both gained a family- our little family, me and him, we both gained new family- I gained Mireya, Carlos and the girls, he gained my extended family, I gained his birth mother, he gained her story. We have both lost things- I lost my life as a single, he lost a birth family and that relationship (although hopefully not forever).



As I think back to my emotions on 01Jun2007- I never thought we would be standing at this point- it seemed so far away. Now I see the journey that started with an application still stretches before us- we have had bumps in the road, we have been side tracked by drama- but our journey is really just starting.



I am closing this blog and starting a new one. This one is too wrapped up in the negative emotions and the early struggle as a new parent. I am ready to leave the negativity behind- I am ready to leave the lies and deception behind. In the end, I know they existed, Bug will know they existed, but I hold on to them and pass them to Bug, then the cycle is not broken. It is time to walk in the SONshine of my life, to say good bye to the clouds of darkness and pain. It is time to focus on who I need want to be and the man I want Bug to grow up to be.

Please join us on Monday 16Mar2009 at our new blog:



http://sonshineofmylife.blogspot.com/


Love and hugs,
Deb

The excitement in the neighborhood - the day after

Yesterday was an exciting day in the neighborhood. And not in a good way.

Remember, I work from home, I sit in my office, right next to the window. Yesterday was a gorgeous day- I had the windows open, letting in the fresh air. Lots of meetings and lots of heads down work on the computer.

About 2:30 pm- I hear the teenagers coming through the neighborhood. They walk through every day- right up the middle of the street- like cars are supposed to move for them instead of walking on the sidewalk (a topic for another day). I heard a noise- a crash or bang. I looked out the window and saw the neighbors very large trash can in the road and figured that was what I heard and I went back to work and my phone call.

My meetings ran late- until 5 pm and as I was finishing up the last call and getting my shoes on to go get Bug, the front door bell rang. It was Tony from next door. Apparently, the noise I heard was their front door being kicked in!!!! Of course I gave my statement to the police officer. I felt so bad, I was so wrapped up in my work, that I failed to look up when I heard the kids come through- so I have no idea which kids it was walking through the neighborhood- I could not give descriptions or anything other than "I heard voices". I feel bad because I did not investigate the noise I heard. But to be honest, with how windy it was yesterday and empty garbage cans being blown down and rolling down the street, I think I still would have assumed it was the can being blown over.

Everyone thinks it was kids, only a jar of loose change was taken- not the electronics, not the jewelry, not all the other stuff laying around- just the money jar.

It is quite unnerving though- to know I was home and someone broke in. I have checked from outside my house- someone outside can not see me in my office. This worries me. It also gives me more reason not to put my office down in the basement eventually. At least if I am upstairs I can easily see someone attempting to get in my house- being in the basement, I would feel trapped because the stairs would be between me and the door if someone came down the stairs.

Os things to think about. I am very grateful that no one was home next door- they have a little girl who is 9 months old.

Love to you,
Deb

The begining of a new journey is coming

Well, the time has come- the counter on the blog tells me so. The day that I thought was so far away on 01Jun2007, is one week away.

One week from today, Bug will have been with me longer then he was not with me. One week from today, Bug will have been home 21.5 months and 1 day.

It many ways it will mark the end of the adoption journey- the end of the time when our lives are measured against what we never had together. The time when other's had more of us than we had of each other. It also marks the point at which, I have been Bug's momma longer Popi and Mireya were his parents and that makes me so sad. Th tears are rolling down my face for the lost that again stands before them and for the loss that Bug is going through- again without even being aware of it.

We parents have always known the point would come when we would be equal in time, and the time would shift to the other side of Bug's life. I have stood watching the time shift slowly toward me- dreading the emotions that would come with that shift, because again it is loss. I can not speak for the emotions of Popi, Mireya and the girls, but I think I know what they might be feeling. I don't know what Bug feels, or even if he comprehends what is about to occur. But I know he misses the girls and he talks about his family in Guatemala. Again, there are no winners here, it is process filled with loss and Bug is the one who has lost it all to gain a new life. Popi, Mireya and the girls are forever part of Bug's life and family and by extension, so they are part of my life. I am forever grateful for having them in my life and forever grateful for their love and devotion to Bug.

BUT- I do recognize that this blog carries alot of negative emotion for me. There are posts here, that while true, are filled with the anger I have felt at various lies and half truths I was told while waiting for Bug to come home. I realize now that I need to leave that all behind in order for Bug and I to be a healthier family. I need to leave the darkness behind and walk in to the light of truth- that I am Bug's momma and we are family. We are not leaving all of you behind and we are not going private. This blog will remain open to readers, but I am starting a new blog.

I may still talk about adoption and the issues that we face, but I am leaving the lies from the lawyer behind, I am leaving the half truths from my agency behind, I am leaving the despair and the depression of the adoption process behind. I can not change the past, i can not change Bug's story, but I do not have to dwell on it or hold on to the negative aspects. The story is what it is, but most of all, it is Bug's story now and I am only the caretaker.

On Sunday evening, I will post the link to the new blog- it will be a banner that stays up on this blog. But I will not post out here after 15Mar2009. The new blog will be open to all readers and I hope that you will join us on the new blog to journey with us on rest of the journey.

Upcoming journey:

We are going on vacation in a few months- I have been planning this one for month now. we are headed to the "happiest place on earth" AKA Walt Disney World. Yep, those of you who listened to me a few years ago will recognize that I am breaking my own rule. I said then, that Disney is wasted on kids- but here I am taking Bug to Disney for his 4th birthday (a little early). The hotel is booked, the tickets are bought, we are just searching for airfare now.

I know that Bug is 3.5 years old and I could rent a stroller at Disney for him, for the times when he is tired, but the strollers at Disney are HUGEEEEEEE things that take up tons of space when the park is packed. I could not stomach getting one of them. So, I have been thinking that there has to be umbrella stroller that is for bigger kids (his original umbrella stroller is tooo small). At the Home and Garden show, I saw this lady pushing her 4 year old daughter in an umbrella stroller that looked like it would work. I asked her about it and sure enough, we now own one. It will carry Bug until he is 55 pounds or until I decide he can walk the distance.

This is one cool umbrella stroller. It is a shame I did not look for it before our trip to Guatemala- although Bug probably would not have sat in it then. Hopefully he will like it enough at Disney, becuase there is no way I can carry him through the park at the end of the day- or whenever he decides he has had enough.

Love to you,

Deb

Hanging out with Grandpa Joe

I forgot to bring my camera- so no pictures.

we headed over to Grandpa Joe's today. He is going to be 88 this month, but we will miss his birthday due to traveling to Michigan to visit friends.(providing the weather is good).
Grandpa Joe pulled out his 8th grade literature workbook. I was struck by how well his handwriting was at age 13 years old- it is incredibly precise and very easy to read- nothing like kids today or heck kids in my day. He was remarking that the workbook was written 75 years ago!!!!! That sort of puts it all into perspective- 3/4 of a century ago, my grandfather wrote those word. Amazing.

Bug and I played outside at the park- we discovered the other end of the park near Grandpa's house. Bug was disappointed that the kids there did not want to play with him, but he had fun. He also got to hold the leash for Grandpa's dog, Cyber. Mam goes over once a week to give Cyber his insulin shot- actually someone goes over every day to give Cyber a shot, Mam just has to once. we go every so often- Bug gets bored in Grandpa's small apartment and there are so many things that he can not touch at Grandpa's. Additionally, Cyber is rescue dog and was very badly abused by older children before Grandpa took him in, so he does not trust kids at all. Since Bug is used to Ginger and Izzy, Laura's dog, it is hard for him to understand why he can not touch Cyber's toys. So we go over when the weather is good and when Bug is in a good mood. We talk to Grandpa Joe for about 15 minutes, then Bug and I head outside to play. Sometimes we play right outside the apartment, so Grandpa, Mam and Pap can watch us, and sometimes we head across the street to the park. I can't imagine that we will have many more years with Grandpa Joe, so going over is a trip down memory lane.
Grandpa talked about dating my grandmother- she died 12 years ago, he talked about how he and grandma dated for 3 years, how they hung out before school and at lunch on the corner in front of the school. he talked about how they were one of 3 couples who dated all through school.
They had 55 years together before Grandma passed due to Alzheimer's. What a wonderful life they had together.

Before we headed over to Grandpa Joe's, Bug and did some work around the house- laundry. The weather was so nice, I was able to hang out the laundry- it was great. I opened the windows in the house and let in the fresh air. We washed the car, we hung out. It was great.


it was a good day.

Love to you,
Deb

Bugisms and a fire drill

This was heard from Bug today - admittedly, he has said it before:

"What do I call my momma? My friend"

"I am sad the girls (Susi, Karla, Nigua) can not visit"- which was said just after brushing our teeth this morning and when I said that I know it was hard for him to be away from the girl- he burst into wailing and crying. He is clearly working on processing emotions again and all I can do is hold him and tell him that the girls love him and we will see them again. We are also going to call them next weekend, but I might have to call unexpectedly this week to help Bug through this processing.
We are going to print out some more pictures tomorrow to hang up in his room (maybe that will encourage him to sleep in his bed).

On to the fire drill:
we went to the pool tonight- first time since before Christmas. We were in the water for about 5 minutes when the fire alarms in the building started going off. A few kids mentioned that the alarms had gone off 2 other times before this- I thought they were talking about this week, but apparently the alarm was going off every 45 minutes. We had to leave the building- of course if there had been a fire or emergency, we would have all been killed because we huddled right by the door- wrapped in towels (those of us from the pool). Of course the staff let us know on the way out that there was nothing going on except the alarms and we would be back inside in 5 minutes.

Sure enough, we were back inside in 5 minutes. I would really like to thank God for the warmer weather today- because standing outside soaking wet in 65 degree weather was OK, but if it had been freezing, then we would have had problems.

Once back in, Bug and I splashed around for another 45 minutes (no additional fire alarms went off). Bug was nearly asleep by the time we got home - YEAHHHH the plan worked to wear him out.

I managed to finish up a video while were swimming, so I have to get that printed tomorrow so it is ready for the package to Guatemala. It shows Bug form before Christmas at swim lessons (crying his eyes out because his mean momma was trying to make him swim with the teacher), some fun swimming before Christmas and now about 15 minutes of video him playing tonight. Should be a good viewing when Bug one has kids and complains about his kids screaming about having to swim with a teacher.

Oh well, enough living in the future. I am off to finish up my Friday night TV watching- BattleStar Galactic will be on soon.

Love to you,
Deb

Playing at the park and dreams- long

The weather was great today- so after work, Bug and I headed to the park. It is amazing to watch him and to see the confidence he has now. It is amazing to see him growing and reaching out and experiencing everything. Such a huge change from last year.

2 years ago when Bug came home, he climbed this playset, no issues. then last year, he refused, too scared to try it again. But tonight, no fear!!!

This slide ought to bring back memories for Vaca momma and Vaca Daddy. Hermano took off for this slide one night when we met up and I cheered him on, by the time daddy reached him, he was at the top of the slide. bug stood back and watched and told me he was not going on that slide. But, tonight, he climbed to the top- that is him up there- and he went down the slide over and over.

Coming down- not a dramatic as Hermano, but still funny. This was on the last time down and Bug was feeling comfortable enough to let me step away from the slide to take the picture.

Climbing up to the top

Nearly there

Some random kids from the park on the slide, to give perspective of how many kids fit on the ladder

seal riding again this year- he is able to just throw his leg over the seal and get on- no climbing and needing help

So big, so much a little boy.

He was climbing back into the slide here. I love the expression on his face- just a look of enjoyment and contentment

Close up of the Lighting McQueen mud boots. He loves them. Apparently, I bought them a little too big, as he runs right out of them. But given that he outgrew all his shoes bought this time last year by the July- I am thinking that bigger is better.


Bug's picture of Momma watching him play.

Dreams:

Sunday, we had a guest speaker at our church. The speaker was the Czech Republic and he spoke about how God is a God of dreams. He used the story of Joseph as he text, but challenged us to articulate our dreams. he talked about Martin Luther King's speech "I have a Dream" and then challenged us to dream big dreams because God is a God who dreams big. So many times we let go of our dreams and settle for something, because we forget that God has big dreams and big plans for us.

At the end of the service, the speaker challenged us to write the phase "I have a dream of....." and then further down our note page to write this phrase "God's dream for me is....."

My dream has always been to be a wife and a momma. I am so blessed that my dream of being a momma came true. In my dreams, though, I am always a momma to 4 kids and a wife. As Bug and I became a family, I let the dream of being a wife fade away. I figured that it was not the plan for me to be a wife and I accepted that I would be a momma only. I have clung to the dream of being a momma to more than one child- not only for me, but for Bug. But recently I put that dream aside too- figuring it would not happen and I needed to accept my life as it is and to find contentment in the way life has turned out. I am blessed to be a momma, I am blessed to have a job and a job that looks stable through this year, I am blessed to have family close by, I am blessed by friends far and near. My life is good and I needed to stop dreaming and I need to start focusing on here and now.

But then the speaker had me write down my dream and pray that my dream would be part of God's dream. I did and left it at that- just articulating the dream again and praying about it was enough for me to know that my dream was still alive, but I figured that I would be letting go of it again after some more time with God.

Well, I think God decided that my lack of faith needed a little bit of jolt. Today, I received a call from my local Jobs and Family services department. As licensed adoptive parent in my county with an active home study- would I consider being placed in committee for 2 little sisters, age 2 (10 months apart). For those of you who don't know what committee is- up to 10 families are brought to committee- whose criteria on paper match the potential family needs for the children. The committee reviews all the applications, listens to the social workers, etc and then determines which family should be matched with the children. And, the committee can decide that no family presented meets the needs of children and then other families would be sought out and another committee would be held. So even though I was called, there was no guarantee that I would be matched with the girls. And for various reasons, I know there will no shortage of families for the county to bring to the committee. In my heart, I so wanted to say YES- YES, please send my file to the committee, but my head knew I had to say NO.

Having 3 kids 18 months apart- Bug is 8 months older then the older girl and 18 months older than the younger, is not realistic for me. I worry that Bug and I have just reached a period of calm again and bringing in 2 younger children would throw off and potential regress Bug - which is not unexpected with any shift in our family dynamics. I worried that the stresses I have had with learning to be a parent would come up again, only this time, I would have 3 kids, 3 separate stresses on my parenting and that I could not handle it. I should state that it would be instantaneous that they would have been placed with me or any family after the committee- it is a 6 month process of visiting, getting to know each other, over night visits, weekend visits and then finally a full transition into their forever family. And then there is 6 month period before the adoptions could be finalized.

Then I realized, my head knew the answer and so did my heart. My heart recognized that this was a sign that I should not give up dream- because I have been a licensed adoptive parent since before I had Bug's referral- before I even completed all the paperwork for Bug's adoption. In all that time- I have never been contacted about a potential match. Being contacted now, was a sign that while I thought the door had closed, in fact, the door is still open. I can still be a wife and momma. i can still have my entire dream- I don't have to settle.

So, I did tell the social worker that I felt it was NOT the right time or the right fit for my family right now. I also wanted to be honest - the little girls are waiting for a family that is excited about them- that is dreaming about them- that is praying for their dream to come true. Those little girls deserve every family that is present at committee to be coming to the committee with the hope of being matched. I dream that one day the right call will come for me and Bug or that the right man comes into my life and we can build a family together. I dream big dreams.

So for those 2 little girls- we are praying for you- praying that your forever family is quickly identified, that you are bonded together, knitted together as a family by loving hands of a loving father who has big dreams for you, bigger dreams then you can imagine. I pray for the transitions that you will go through in the next months- the loss you will go through, the pain and the heartache of your foster family- I pray that God's peace and grace cover you and that you will know that you are loved, have been loved and will always be loved.

What dreams do you have????

Love and hugs,

Deb

clearly processing information

Bug has continued his discussion from yesterday about living in a blue house- only he is now expanding on this.

He lived in a blue house, with a little crib when he was a baby. Uncle Dave lived there too. They drove a blue car and had a blue garage.

I think I know what he is processing. When we went back to Guatemala and had the pleasure of visiting Popi and the family at their house, the room Bug slept in (in the crib) was blue. I am not sure if it was blue when he was there, but it is blue now. he could be combining his memories of the house with our family and making his place in the family. In part to assure himself that he is part of the family and in part to put words around what he is remembering and feeling.
Clearly he is viewing the blue house as a happy place and clearly he identified with the male in the house- Popi.

I asked Bug this morning, if he thought the blue house was where he lived with Popi, Mireya and the girls. His response was " I like the girls". So I am not sure he is ready to have the difference pointed out. But I will keep asking him and listening to the stories of when he was a baby, living in the blue house and sleeping in the crib.


I should have asked to take pictures inside the house while we visited. I did not want to seem ungrateful or crass by walking around and taking pictures- I was so excited to be in the house, to see where Bug lived, it actually slipped my mind. I know I got pictures of Bug in the girl's room. Perhaps we will have the opportunity to go back to the house on our next trip and I will ask if it is OK to take pictures of the rooms.

I am off to bed- the whole prepping for the time change still. Bug is doing incredibly well with me moving his bedtime back and waking him up earlier. I am taking him to park tomorrow to wear him out before bed tomorrow since tomorrow night he will go to bed 45 minutes early. That puts us 15 minutes off the new time on Saturday night. I am hoping that between Auntie Lulu taking him outside tomorrow and me taking him to the park int eh evening, that he falls asleep before we get home.

Love and hugs,
Deb

Dichotomy

Dichotomy- a noun meaning
1.
division into two parts, kinds, etc.; subdivision into halves or pairs.
2.
division into two mutually exclusive, opposed, or contradictory groups: a dichotomy between thought and action.


That is what my day was like- a dichotomy, 2 distinct parts that contradicted each other.

Sadness:
At work this morning, I sent an email off to a colleague that I worked last fall. The project she and I were assigned to was stopped by the client and that ended our working relationship as we were both assigned to other teams. But today I had a follow up question for her. When the email bounced back saying that her address was not found, I assumed that she was no longer working at our company and I emailed the next person above her. JM called me on the phone to give me the news, the colleague BC, had died in a skiing accident on 01Jan. The floor just dropped away from me. I could not believe it. BC and I did not know each long, but we had a common bond outside of the project we were assigned to. She and I are the same age, we both were new mothers. In the time we were together at face to face meetings, we shared pictures, talked about our boys and talked about the balance of being new moms. I can't believe that she is gone.
she died while I was in Guatemala and the announcement on the company site (BC had worked in multiple offices) had fallen off the homepage by the time I got back into the office on 12Jan. I could not stop thinking about her and her little boy all day. I hope that he knows how much his momma loved him and cherished him. I hope her husband knows how much she loved him. I hope they time on that last day to say "I love you" when everyone was happy and healthy, before the accident took her life.


Happiness:
I picked up Bug tonight, still reeling from the news this morning. We had to drive passed the apartments that we lived in when I was 12-16 years old. I as telling Bug that I lived there with Mam, Lulu and Uncle Dave, before Mam and Pap got married. Then we drive passed the school that I attended while living at the apartment. Bug informed me that he used to live in the apartment with Uncle Dave and he and Uncle Dave went to that school. They apparently had a dog and later lived in a blue house. He also shopped at used car lot with Uncle Dave, but he (Bug) did not buy a car, he only looked at them.
Bug was quite serious about all of this information, so I listened intently while I busting out laughing on the inside. Bug does not miss a thing anyone says. He is one smart boy.

After the library, we had a quiet night at home, we watched a Sesame Street video that he picked out, we read all the books from the library, and we read another chapter in "My side of the mountain". I kept him close tonight, hugging a little tighter, cuddling a little more. I hope Bug knows how much I love and cherish him. I hope he never has to wonder.

I decided that I am going to give Bug the camera more frequently so he can take pictures of me doing things, so there is always pictures of me for him to go back too should anything ever happen to me.


Love and hugs,
Deb

Sick again

Bug is sick again- nothing serious yet, but his nose is draining and he is coughing. I am hoping to keep him well for the next few days so that the warmer weather can help him out. By Wednesday the weather will be 20 degrees warmer then today's weather, by the weekend, it will be 40 degrees warmer.

Please pray for Bug- he needs a break from these sinus infections that turn into ear infections.

I will say though, he should have enough reserves to keep fighting- Little man has been stuffing food into his body like there is no tomorrow. An example- usually Bug will eat 2.5 chicken nuggets at McDonald's, but last week he ate 8!!!!!!! chicken nuggets and asked for more. I think he storing up for a growth spurt-YIKES.

I am off to bed- we are preparing for the time change this weekend- I moved Bedtime up 15 minutes and wake up time the same amount- tomorrow, I will move everything another 15 minutes. By Saturday night, we should be within 15 minutes of the new time. Hopefully that will allow us to not have issues next week.

I hate the time change- really I hate it.

Love to you,
Deb