Keeping it real- what to do?

This post is not about Bug- also no pictures. It is all about more change and more decisions to be made- this is the part of being single that I don't like- I would love to have someone to discuss the pros and cons of decisions with, so we could decide what is best- instead, i usually go with my gut on things and second guess myself.

Since moving back to this area- I have attended a church that is close enough for me to walk to, so for the last 5.5 years. The first years were rough, I was not plugged into ministries- I floated through the church. I though joining choir would help, I though joining the quilting group would help, I thought being in an Adult Bible fellowship (Sunday school for adults) would help, but still I am disconnected.
I love my ABF, I know that Bug is getting good teaching in the 2/3's class- but I have not attending worship service in about 6 months - I don't like the messages. the teaching is too light- too seeker friendly. I know according to all the research, that the in depth teaching is supposed to be in the ABFs, but I missing some solid teaching in the worship service.
With Bug's needs this year, i dropped out of choir and I miss that mid week recharge, but I miss the relationships and I have felt very alone as a mom compared to the church opportunities.
Quilting took a back seat this year- but I never had close ties there either. I had one close friend and she was not able to attend much this year and we see each other in our ABF, so there is that connection.

Our chuch is starting some changes and I have been down this path with 2 other churches when I lived out of state- we are going to a multi site plan- why is it that this is "the thing" to do. we are also changing our name with the move to multi sites.

So the fund raising begins, the drain on resources at the main church location begins. So my ABF will likely change, Bug's class teachers will likely change, so many changes and to date I have never seen it work.

So the debate is beginning in my mind, do I stay because it is close to my house, knowing that I don't attend the worship service and I feel disconnected or do I start looking this summer for a church where I can connect in, start serving in a way that gets me connected, has support for where I am at at this time- like a Single's ministry or an adoption support group, has good learning for Bug and helps us both grow in serving Jesus?

I think I know the answer, but I hate change and I hate being the new person. I have my walls built up and I know it will take me a year to settle into a new situation. I know that going church searching is not a one weekend thing- I have to visit multiple churches over the course of the summer to get a feel for the service, the preaching (vacations play havoc with preaching schedules), and the children's ministry.

I wish there was a big sign over the place I am supposed to be- "DEB- go here- love God"- that would be easy. I know through, that God uses us where ever we are, I just struggle knowing that I am not growing as I should because I am not hearing the Word the way that speaks to my heart and spirit.

I think under it all is the fact that I am tired of change right now, that I am tired of not growing, not having support in my church circle and I am missing what I had before- before I moved home, before Bug came, before the last big round of changes. I want to rest, I want to be nourished and to be restored.

That's it for tonight.

Love to you,
Deb